Capitol Hill Blue Forums Life and Moral Issues Religion and Philosophy Death

...This really belongs under a new form topic on Philosophy, or you can make this forum "Religion and Philosophy"...

The "House, M.D." musical number, below, reminded me of "Bye Bye Life" from "All That Jazz", the semi-autographical movie by Bob Fosse with Roy Scheider and Jessica Lange. I finally am able to deal more directly with death. I see now that death has no mercy and to be fully human one must confront death directly, your own and of loved ones. It's like the fire fighter who runs towards a burning building because it's the job. Death is a job of living the full life, and is the final job of our own life. For a year and a half I couldn't bear to catch up on one of my (our) favorite TV series, House, because of all the hospital scenes and terminal illnesses. I finally bought the DVD of last year's season. It's ironic that the song here is sung to the tune, with many of the words, of "Bye Bye Love". The "House, M.D." musical number, below, reminded me of "Bye Bye Life" from "All That Jazz", the semi-autographical movie by Bob Fosse with Roy Scheider and Jessica Lange. I finally am able to deal more directly with death. I see now that death has no mercy and to be fully human one must confront death directly, your own and of loved ones. It's like the fire fighter who runs towards a burning building because it's the job. Death is a job of living the full life, and is the final job of our own life. For a year and a half I couldn't bear to catch up on one of my (our) favorite TV series, House, because of all the hospital scenes and terminal illnesses. I finally bought the DVD of last year's season. It's ironic that the song here is sung to the tune, with many of the words, of "Bye Bye Love". \
The doctors thought Dr. Cudy had terminal cancer... turns out she didn't. This video - hard to watch for me - but I have to say it was excellent

The doctors thought Dr. Cudy had terminal cancer... turns out she didn't. This video - hard to watch for me having lost the love of my life to cancer - but I have to say it was excellent and thought provoking. Can you sing and dance in the face of death when it is inevitable, both for a loved one and yourself? I rather doubt it. But perhaps at a certain point watching videos like these can be cathartic.

When my mom died on Sunday, April 10th of this year, we only found out she had bone cancer four days prior.

All along she had been complaining of being lethargic, but her old-skool early 1960s med-school trained doctor who she saw for 30s just hadn't kept up with modern medicine and told her to take iron pills.

Four days later, Sunday, I'm down in El Lay at mom's house, she's propped-up in her bed with pillows the hospice worker had made-up for her. She was drowsy and very lethargic.


That was the last time mom spoke that day. The hospice worker ordered mom a hospital bed and it arrived moments after me and mom's conversation. We all moved mom to the hospital bed set-up in the living room. I brought Jill (her 140lb Rotti to her and mom pet her, I next brought Sam to her, red husky, and she pet him).

I sat there was holding mom's hand for a good 45 mins while watching T.V.

I left, got into my car, called my bro and said: You need to get here right now. My bro said he was going to stop and get his wife and I told him he didn't have time.

Because of that conservation I had with mom, I was 'ok' with her passing, and still am.

Recently my bro went by to visit mom, and there was a deer standing right next mom's headstone. That would have made mom happy - she loved ALL 'critters.'

Rick, I am so sorry for your loss. Your last words together are very moving. It's also wonderful she was with her dogs. I could have brought our Westies to the hospital to visit Betty the day before she died, but said couldn't stand the thought of saying goodbye to them so she said no.

If your mother had Hospice care she did not suffer. That is the most important part of the training. The patient calls the shots and many times it is against the wishes of the family. In many of my patients we spent a great deal of time discussing what they wanted in their final hours. 100% of the time it is their family and their fear of being alone. You did the right thing and I think you always will. My family spent a lot of time visiting the soldiers at Wadsworth Hospital in Sawtelle (West Los Angeles) Mother played the piano and we even had some "rounds" going for us to bring music into everything. I wrote a lot of letters to the parents of the patients, many who would never make it home. There is nothing better than listening to the soldiers and my patients a couple of years ago talk about their mothers. That is a bond that lasts forever.

Being in a mother's arms means a lack of sadness and pain. It often seems that they want to die as they were born. I have good strong soft breasts and arms and I held many close until they went to sleep. My daughters are very loving around humans and animals who need a bit of comfort.

Thank you for sharing your experience Rick.

Thank you Hal. I'm sorry for your loss of Betty.

Hal, remember the guy I was in a 10 year relationship who was a total money grubber and embezzled $30k from me, who was a total whore during our relationship, Todd? The day after mom passed, I was driving back to the Bay Area on Highway 5, Todd's sister-in-law, Tammy, called me. It has been eight years and three months since Todd and I broke up.

Tammy and I had stayed in somewhat infrequent contact, she told me that Todd was in the hospital dying, that he had contracted the HIV virus, apparently did nothing about it, and was dying from a rare opportunist virus due to immunosuppression, called John Cunningham Virus - a rare neurological blood-brain barrier disease, and that his family only just found out about all of this themselves.

I had not seen, nor heard from, Todd since we broke-up, being angry and bitter towards him. By happy coincidence, the hospital he was in was near my house. I had no idea where he was living, what he was doing with his life - I knew nothing about him.

Given this new information, in my mind, I planned a total 'Erica Caine' moment in the hospital when I saw him.

I did go see Todd on Tuesday, April 12th about 4:30 pm. He looked exactly the same as the day we broke-up. I was the last person to see him as he died two hours later after my visit. (No, I had nothing to do with his death. I didn't turn off any machine or remove any feeding tubes. All of that stuff had already been taken away and he was on DNR - do not resuscitate.)

(Yup, mom and Todd within 48 hrs of each other. Todd was only 47 years old.)

But, when I saw him, I said nothing. I had nothing to say to him. I just sat there watching him breathe. I had no anger towards him. I did feel that 'karma' was in play.

I was angry at the Universe for the longest time for allowing such a conniving, evil person to exist. Then, I realized: 'Karma' will manifest itself on its own time - not when I wanted 'karma' do its thing.

Because of Todd, I got HIV tested, yet again, and I'm negative.

The reason I bring this up, is because I 'hear' that Todd tried many times to leave his hospital bed and remove his tubes. Clearly, he wasn't ready to die.

Whereas, mom was. In retrospect, my brother and I began comparing notes of things mom would say to us, independent of each other, and we came to the conclusion that she knew she was going to die, yet she never told us. She dropped hints, but we simply brushed them aside, in denial.

Sandy, it is wonderful work you and all hospice workers and volunteers do. Betty was too sick to be moved to a hospice when she elected to go off dialysis and had five days to live. So the hospital brought the hospice to her. I had a cot in her room next to her bed.

Brigham and Womens Dana Farber Cancer Pain and Palliative Care Program.

I won't describe the reasons that despite being in the hospital that pioneered the board certified specialty of pain and palliative care Betty died flailing about and in excruciating pain. I have to live with the mistake that led this to happen. I did get a written apology from the Dr. Susan Block, head of the department under whose care she was, with a promise that error would never happen again.

Hal, you made no mistake. You entrusted the medical profession to take care of Betty. The very fact that you were in a cot by Betty's side tell us all that you made good choices.

Aside from the several mistakes that made Betty suffer more, even before the final one when she was minutes away from death, Betty was ready to die. In fact, I've never met anyone as brave. When the initial disbelief that she had stage four lung cancer wore off after two days of confirming testing, she seemed reconciled to the fact that she would die within a year or two even with chemo.

She was well aware of the statistics for metastatic lung cancer - 5% live five years.

She seemed to know intuitively her life would be much shorter. She as much as told me so when I suggested I buy an expensive convertible so we'd at least have one summer enjoying it. She said she wouldn't even last until spring. She told me to buy the car after she died.

In fact, she only lived four months and died in January. Two weeks later I bought the car. A year and a half later part of the work of my grief was driving it across the country to visit old friends. She said that no car would ever replace her. Of course she was right. Every time I saw some scenic wonder all I would feel was yearning she was with me (below in the Sawtooth Mountains above Sun Valley).

Hey, I'd like to take a ride in that car! When are you coming to the West Coast again?