Capitol Hill Blue Forums Misc. Topics Ranters' Soapbox Star Trek 40 oz on repeat.

Okay. Here’s the deal.

I’m not here to waste your time. I hope you’re not here to waste mine.

So I’m gonna keep this short.

If you become an member of this crew, you will kill your first cardassian within three days.

Okay? I repeat that:

You will kill your first cardassian within 3 days of your first day on Deep Space 9.

There is no question whether or not you’ll become a soldier here.

The only question is how many times you'll do it.

You think I’m joking?
I am not joking.

I am blob security chief. It’s a weird thing to hear, right?

I’ll tell ya. It’s a weird thing to say.

I am a [censored] blob security chief.

And guess how old I am? Two thousand years old.

You know what that makes me here?
A [censored]’ blob.

This base is entirely comprised of people your age, not mine.

Lucky for me, I’m very [censored] good at my job, or I’d be out of one.

You guys are the new blood. You’re gonna go home with the Cardassian pelts.

You are the future big swinging dicks of this base.

Now, you all look battle hungry, and that’s good.

Anybody tells you violence is the root of all evil doesn’t [censored]’ know about Kevin.

They say violence can't make you feel better? Look at the [censored]’ smile on my face.

Ear to ear, baby. You want details? Fine.

My backpack's got jets.

What’s up? I have ridiculous quarters in the center.

I have every weapon you could imagine, and best of all, kids…

I am liquid. I am a blob.

So, now you know what’s possible. Let me tell you what’s required.

You are required to work your [censored] ass off on this base.

We want winners here, not pikers. A piker walks at the bell.

A piker asks how much vacation you get in the first year. Vacation?

People come and work at this base for one reason: to kill Cardassians.

We’re not here to make friends. We’re not savin’ the Federation, guys.

You want vacation time?
Go teach third grade, public school.

Okay. The first three months at the base are as a trainee.

You make a tenth of a bar of pressed lantinum a week.

After you’re done training, you take the shuttle out.

Pass that, you become junior gunnery and you open comms for your team leader.

You kill 5 Cardassians, you start workin’ for yourself. Sky’s the limit.

Word about being a trainee.

Friends, parents, other security team members, they’re gonna give you s***.

It’s true. Less than a bar of pressed latinum a week? Not a lot of money.

Pay them no mind.

You need to learn this business, and this is the time to do it.

Once you pass the test, none of that’s gonna matter.

Your friends are s***.

Tell them you killed 20 Cardassians last month, they won’t [censored] believe you.

[censored] them! [censored] ’em!

Parents don’t like the life you lead?
“[censored] you, Mom and Dad.”

See how it feels when you’re bombing their colony.

Now, go home and think about it.
Think about whether it’s really for you.

If you decide it isn’t… It’s nothing to be embarrassed about.




It’s not for everyone.
Thanks.

But if you really want this…

you call me on Monday and we’ll talk.

Just don’t waste my [censored]’ time.

Okay. That’s it.

What's a cardassian?

It's like a Kardashian only with more pronounced orbital ridges.

Deep Space 9 was my favorite of all Star Treks. I thought those Bajoran women were hot.

Why not? They're just like human women, only with a couple of ridges on their noses.

Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about - bitchin' about that Klingon you shot, some son of a bitch don't want to act right, somebody don't want what you're sellin', some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Are they all here?...Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! Put that coffee down!! Coffee's for closers only. Do you think I'm [censored]' with you? I am not [censored]' with you. I'm here from downtown. I'm here from Star Fleet. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your name's Sisko?...You call yourself a Captain, you son of a bitch?

Sisko: "I don't got to listen to this s***."

You certainly don't, pal. 'Cause the good news is - you're fired. The bad news is - you've got, all of you got, just one week to regain your rank, starting with tonight. Starting with tonight's episode. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's contest. As you all know, first prize is a shuttle craft. Anybody want to see second prize? Second prize's a bat'leth. Third prize is you're fired. You get the picture? You laughing now? You got phasers. Star Fleet paid good money. Get their ships to blow them the [censored] up You can't close the battles you're given, you can't fight for s***, you are s***. Hit the transporter, pal, and beat it 'cause you are going out!...

Just like hot human women. Don't recall a WalMart shopper among them. The vast majority of human women don't look that good. Of course, by then BioTechnology might make them all fit into Size 4. Too bad I won't live to see it.

Yer killin' me.

We used to have (or maybe still do have?) a guy named Schlack who loved to pen sarcastic stuff.
I think you're the first one who has ever freestyled wierd sci-fi comedy scripts though.

You know it's coming. But it's already been happening organically anyway. I see forty and even fifty and mid-fifties women who don't look it at all, present company included. (Karen)

Then I take "a look see" back at how forty year old women looked when I was a kid and it floors me.

A'hm sorry, but back in the 50's and 60's most forty/forty-five year old women looked REALLY old. I'm talking grandma looking old.

Today I see grandmothers who are still firmly in MILF territory.
Of course if authoritarian fascist dictatorship grows firm legs here, I do expect that trend to come to a screeching halt.

Authoritarianism from either end of the spectrum ages people in the cruelest ways. The ugliness of the emotions that they bottle up inside twist and distort their faces and bodies in a most grotesque manner.

Documentary

Captain Sisko: "You get really bored up here, you know."

Miles O'Brien: "Damn right you do. Not a damn thing to do since we got the place fixed up."

Captain Sisko: "And then one day, Bashir gets this crazy idea."

*everyone laughs, Bashir has a distressed look on his face*

O'Brien: "Julian here says 'We could get Odo high and convince him he's Jayne Mansfield.' So we did."

Interviewer: "How did that work out?"

Sisko: "Odo got right into it. Bashir is going to town on him, and then and then...."

Odo: "And then I revealed the fact that Earth drugs don't work on me."

Sisko: "Boy, was Bashir freaked out! Because Odo kept going. Julian tried to crawl away, but Odo grabbed him and hauled him back and and and..."

O'Brien: "AND HE KEPT TALKING IN MAYNSFIELDS VOICE, even though he looked like Odo again."

Interviewer: "But wasn't that rape? That's horrible."

Sisko: "In Odo's race, that's courting. And since Julian initiated it, he was honor-bound to marry Odo."

Bashir: *begins to sob*

Odo: *maynsfield voice* "Come along, Julian." (They leave, Bashir still sobbing.)

Interviewer: "This is SICK."

Sisko: "Like I said, we get bored. I'm bored right now."

Interviewer: "Um, I gotta go...um...Shot with Quark..."

Interview ends.