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Joined: Aug 2004
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old hand
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OP
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 5,723 |
Some of these made me laugh out loud, so I pass it on. Pay particullar attention to the #2s in New York, South and Colorado--New York 'cause it's true, South 'cause it answers a question on another thread, and Colorado 'cause it got my biggest laugh.
Where to Live After Retirement:
You can live in Phoenix , Arizona where.....
1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet
bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that 'dry heat' is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
You can Live in California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there
rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
You can Live in New York City where...
1. You say 'the city' and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan .
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery
Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is 'nature.'
4. You believe that being able
to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
(ed note: if you have a car)
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You can Live in Maine where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco .
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and
construction.
You can Live in the Deep South where...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. 'Y'all' is singular and 'all y'all' is plural.
3. 'He needed killin'' is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc.
5. Everything is either 'in yonder,' 'over yonder' or 'out yonder.' It's important to know the difference, too.
You can live in Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountainbike atop your $500 car
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You can live in the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: 'Where's my coat at?'
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, 'It was
different!'
AND You can live in Florida where..
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Currently reading: Best American Mystery Stories edited by Lee Child and Otto Penzler. AARGH!
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10,151 Likes: 54
veteran
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veteran
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10,151 Likes: 54 |
Damn. There's a lot of accuracy in that.
I mean, a lot. Really.
I can't tell you how often I've heard the Midwest #5...and "exotic" can mean Paris, Seattle, or Kansas City!
Julia
A 45’s quicker than 409
Betty’s cleaning’ house for the very last time
Betty’s bein’ bad
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 12,129 Likes: 257
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 12,129 Likes: 257 |
I dunno: Going to the local "all you can eat" for dinner with gigantic farmers in overalls and the Mennonite ladies in their little bonnets, was pretty "different" for us! Driving through the suburbs gawking at the twisted splinters of house frames left along a tornado's path was something I'll remember forever, too. 
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Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 28
veteran
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veteran
Joined: Aug 2006
Posts: 7,630 Likes: 28 |
That's hilarious and oh so true, Martha. Pia, those huge farmers and little bonneted wives are my relatives!   On that number 1 for the south, you can also buy beer and condoms in that same store. Sausage biscuit too!
Last edited by olyve; 07/12/10 07:23 PM.
"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...it's about learning how to dance in the rain."
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10,151 Likes: 54
veteran
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veteran
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10,151 Likes: 54 |
Having lived in Colorado for 7 years, I can vouch for each and every one of those as well. (Okay, "Granola" might be stretching it a bit. But not a hell of a lot.)
Julia
A 45’s quicker than 409
Betty’s cleaning’ house for the very last time
Betty’s bein’ bad
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Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 5,723
old hand
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OP
old hand
Joined: Aug 2004
Posts: 5,723 |
Having lived in Colorado for 7 years, I can vouch for each and every one of those as well. (Okay, "Granola" might be stretching it a bit. But not a hell of a lot.) Part of me thought that one would have fit CA better.
Currently reading: Best American Mystery Stories edited by Lee Child and Otto Penzler. AARGH!
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Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10,151 Likes: 54
veteran
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veteran
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 10,151 Likes: 54 |
Yes. In Colorado it's far more likely that the kid would be nicknamed "Bud," and would end up sleeping on the playground because no one ever picked him up!
Julia
A 45’s quicker than 409
Betty’s cleaning’ house for the very last time
Betty’s bein’ bad
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Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 6,428 Likes: 1
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Jan 2003
Posts: 6,428 Likes: 1 |
Takes a lot of learnin' to understand the rules, if you decide to retire to my home state... (one of the original 13) You know you are from Rhode Island (pronounced Roe Dylin') if:
You know the basic rules of DuckPin bowling.
You own garden tools from Job Lot.
You have used the expression "Not For Nuthin" or "bubbla".
You serve bread with every meal.
You know what "3 all d' way" means.
You load up on milk and bread before a snowstorm.
You have a bottle of coffee syrup in the fridge right now.
You've gotten sick from eating too many clam cakes.
Your first live concert was at The Civic Center or Rocky Point.
You were born at Lying-In Hospital.
You still call the Rhode Island Mall the Midland Mall.
You have used a demolished landmark such as ALMACS or Finast when giving directions.
You secretly watch the NBC TV show "Providence" even though you tell your friends you don't.
You have slammed on your brakes to discourage a tailgater.
You know what a burger "The Newport Creamery Way" is.
You have dated a girl named Brenda or a guy named Vinnie.
You've personally met Vinnie Paz.
Your idea of a dream house is a raised ranch.
You have relatives who have been to Edgehill Newport, Codac, or Butler.
You've bribed your mechanic for a new inspection sticker even though your car failed to pass the safety inspection.
You have a degree from RIC, CCRI or URI.
You think vodka and Del's is a great combination.
You've been to Twin Oaks for your birthday.
You know how to pronounce Pawtucket, Cowesett, Usqepaug, and Narragansett.
You've been to Scarborough Beach but not Block Island.
You know where "The Pier" is located.
You've gotten sick eating too many clam cakes.
You like your clam CHOW-dah clear not white or red.
You put vinegar on your french fries.
You've been on a Bay Queen cruise.
You can recognize a Cranston accent.
You drop the "w" in Greenwich, Kingstown, and Warwick.
You use the expression "down-city" for downtown.
You've eaten at Haven Brothers, drunk.
You celebrate St. Joseph's Day and know what a "zeppolla" is.
You have at least one gallon of Newport Creamery coffee ice cream in your freezer.
You know what "ProJo" stands for.
You still call CCRI "reject".
You think that "party/potty" "God/guard" "law/lore" and "hot/heart" are
examples of homonyms.
You know the original name for Airport Road.
You always start giving directions by saying, "Well, you get on 95."
You know what "John from Alpert's" sounds like.
You refer to the movies as "the show."
You know what Allie's makes.
You know what a "package store" is.
You think lots of gold jewelry looks great on the beach.
Your favorite expressions are, "Are you serious?", "Wicked", and "You know what I'm saying?"
You've thrown at least one yard sale this month.
You know you need "quahogs" to make "stuffies".
You know there's a West End but not a West Providence.
You think banana, vanilla, and idea all end in "r".
You put celery salt on your hotdogs.
You see turn signals or "directionals" as optional car equipment.
Your into Keno, Powerball and the drawin'.
When told surprising news, you answer "Geddout", or if you're female, "No Suh!"
If you are going to the basement, you're going "down cellar."
Instead of eating dinner, you eat suppa.
You call spaghetti sauce, "gravy."
You've eaten a Wimpy Skippy on the Hill.
You know what "Leggs and Eggs" is.
You ask your mechanic to give you a state inspection sticker even though your car failed.
You know that there is never any school in Fosta-Glosta when it snows.
You've gone to Cumbie's for milk or gas.
You've eaten Jonnycakes or Johnny cakes (with an h if the fllint corn comes from out of state).
You know someone in the mob, but won't admit it.
AND THE NUMBER 1 REASON YOU KNOW YOU ARE A RHODE ISLANDER....
You've voted a convicted felon into office at least twice! ... and it's not an exaggeration. I often wonder how many of the comments an out-of-stater would understand.
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Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 21,134
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jun 2004
Posts: 21,134 |
No, Martha, granola is out in California, not "healthy" enough for the land of slim waists.
Life is a banquet -- and most poor suckers are starving to death -- Auntie Mame
You are born naked and everything else is drag - RuPaul
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Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 12,129 Likes: 257
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Feb 2006
Posts: 12,129 Likes: 257 |
Pia, those huge farmers and little bonneted wives are my relatives! And charming folks they were, too! Much like the Amish farmer we befriended in Arthur, Illinois.
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