Originally Posted by Scoutgal
From a friend:

Quote
Dear Santa,
How are you? How is Mrs Claus? I hope everyone, from the
reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.
Merry Christmas,
Timmy Jones
* *

Dear Timmy,
Thank you for you letter. Mrs Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried about all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn’t want you to
get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I’ll bring you something you can go outside and play with.
Merry Christmas,
Santa Claus
* *

Mr. Claus,
Seeing that I have fulfilled the “naughty vs. Nice” contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn’t want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don’t you think that a jibe at
my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?
Respectfully,
Tim Jones
* *

Mr. Jones,
While I have acknowledged you have met the “nice” criteria,
need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been
on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve your social
skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.
Very Truly Yours,
S Claus
* *

Now look here Fat Man,
I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was
attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be dissing me. I’m about to tweet my boys and we’re gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I’m taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!
T-Bone
* *

Listen Pizza Face,
Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny G-banger wannabe? “He sees you when you’re sleeping; He knows when you’re awake”. Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your s*** wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you’d throw up your Totino’s pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom’s basement. You’re not getting what you asked for, but I’m still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your ass and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.
S Clizzy
* *

Dear Santa,
Bring me whatever you see fit. I’ll appreciate anything.
Timmy
* *

Timmy,
That’s what I thought, you little bastard.
Santa
* *
ThumbsUp The letters sound vaguely like those exchanged between Santa and the little reprobate next door.

I was really miffed when the little, vertically challenged, Napoleon complexed, game addicted, couch potato with a mouth capable of making George Carlin blush, hired me. He promised me a third of the value of gifts received.

I was actually happy when he signed the retainer agreement.

There was hope when the Right Honorable Paddy Pushover, esteemed judge sitting in the Circuit Court of Cook County won the assignment roulette. His lawyerly offspring were friends of mine from the State's Attorney's Office.

Everything was going well. Motions were filed.

Motions were won.

By our side.

Then, December 26th arrived.

Do you have any idea how worthless a lump of coal, the size of a charcoal nugget used in barbecues really is?

I had to get Rudolph to stomp on a penny, only to flatten it into a thin disc that could be cut into 3 pieces.

"I am young, whole, perfect, strong, powerful, loving, harmonious, and happy." ~~~ Kato Havas