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Dec 6th, 2017
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 47,430 Likes: 373
Member CHB-OG
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Member CHB-OG
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 47,430 Likes: 373 |
Contrarian, extraordinaire
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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OP
Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583 |
A Priest was about to finish his Missionary tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he had spent years teaching the natives, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them very much was how to speak English.
So he takes the Chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the Chief, "This is a tree."
The Chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The Priest is pleased with the response.
They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
The Chief looks and grunts, "Rock."
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly says, "Man riding a bike."
The Chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the Chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
And the Chief replied, ”MY bike."
bicycle.
milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)
Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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OP
Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583 |
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it.
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required.
Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7 again
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I belatedly wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year?
Your Humble Client
And remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)
Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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OP
Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583 |
This sooooo Mr. Scoutgal! 
milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)
Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,972
member
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member
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 1,972 |
Oh my, you certainly are not one to mess with! Good Girl!
I'm fixed at my computer watching 3 gorgeous eagles who are leaving the nest again. This year there was the usual 3 eggs and a loyal Mother and Daddy eagle couple who faithfully hatched 3 beautiful white babies. Since April the first two hatched and departed and the last one is perched for take off this afternoon.
My grandson produced a beautiful baby girl on the 15th of June. Mama is Oriental like my old pal Donna from Reader Rant. She was born with a smile and a personality so vast we can hardly control ourselves.
AKA Sandy Price
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 12,004 Likes: 133
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 12,004 Likes: 133 |
Holy cow! Sandune, MaR, and Cousin Its all waft back to post on the same day... must be a cosmic allegiance, or whatever you call it! 
You never change things by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model that makes the old model obsolete.
R. Buckminster Fuller
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 47,430 Likes: 373
Member CHB-OG
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Member CHB-OG
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 47,430 Likes: 373 |
Welcome back Sandy!
Contrarian, extraordinaire
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Joined: May 2005
Posts: 47,430 Likes: 373
Member CHB-OG
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Member CHB-OG
Joined: May 2005
Posts: 47,430 Likes: 373 |
Holy cow! Sandune, MaR, and Cousin Its all waft back to post on the same day... must be a cosmic allegiance, or whatever you call it! Now we just need Schlack, Slipped Mickey, 2wins, loganrbt, Joe Buff, Greger, Ozymanithrax, AustinRanter...wait! Scout is Oriental? 
Contrarian, extraordinaire
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Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 12,004 Likes: 133
Pooh-Bah
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Pooh-Bah
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 12,004 Likes: 133 |
Holy cow! Sandune, MaR, and Cousin Its all waft back to post on the same day... must be a cosmic allegiance, or whatever you call it! Now we just need Schlack, Slipped Mickey, 2wins, loganrbt, Joe Buff, Greger, Ozymanithrax, AustinRanter...wait! Scout is Oriental? Don't fergit the mathturbaticians in the Mutual Self-Idolatry Club, Ebenezer(?) and noomie, aka Poppy and Zits!
You never change things by fighting the existing reality.
To change something, build a new model that makes the old model obsolete.
R. Buckminster Fuller
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Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,245 Likes: 33
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Jun 2007
Posts: 4,245 Likes: 33 |
It’s called Asian now. Tsk Tsk. Get with it rick.
Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please.
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