Enhanced bran flakes:
Preparation: Get a bowl, preferably a clean one - the dog's waterbowl is often the cleanest.
Grab a box of bran flakes; if it is a new one you may have to use colorful language to open the sealed interior packet, after ripping the top off of the box. Dull scissors will help to spice up your word choice before a rip along one entire side provides access to the yummy bran flakes. Your wife (if you still have one) will clean up the cup or so of cereal that fell on the floor.
Adding spices and flavorings: My favorite is raisins, since bran flakes have absolutely no flavor of their own unless they have begun to rot. Find the raisin box and an ice pick, which will be helpful in chipping some loose raisins from the rock hard mass that resulted from having ripped the fresh-seal interior pouch clear down one side when you opened it a few weeks earlier. Keep some bandaids nearby in case you stab yourself.
If you are near the bottom of the raisins, look for little squirmy bugs. If you see some, add more raisins as the worms have likely depleted some of the flavor from the luscious dried fruit.
Wetting: Unless you are a very heavy salivater, the really dry bowl of ingredients will not masticate in a satisfactory way and will be hard to swallow, even with a high worm content. DO NOT use fat-free, 1%, or 2% milk, as only pussy Epicures would do that; instead, find some WHOLE milk (check for sourness), which is, disappointingly, only 4% milkfat, in spite of what you had imagined all your life.
Eating: Sit down at your computer and savor the latest in depressing news as you munch on your spicy bran flakes. Try not to dribble milk into the keyboard or splash milk drops on the screen, unless there is too much happiness in your life. If you should accidentally have a major spill from chronic morning ineptness, the bran flakes will become formless and mushy and the worms will drown (causing the tactile sense loss of their wiggling on your tongue) while you are attempting to avoid permanent damage to the hardware. The raisins, however, will soften slightly, sometimes to the point of not breaking your teeth.
Amuse-toi bien!
