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Dec 6th, 2017
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,388
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,388 |
"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
Lenny Bruce
"The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month."
Dostoevsky
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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OP
Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583 |
Two old guys, 80 and 83, were sitting on a park bench.
The 83-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at his stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 83-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."
So, on the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the counter lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"
She said, "Yes,of course we do, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"
He said, "I want five loaves."
She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the
3rd loaf, it'll be hard."
He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this stuff but me."
milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)
Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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OP
Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583 |
Wife's Financial Investments
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news…”
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…my wife is so smart! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)
Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,388
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,388 |
Wife's Financial Investments
The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news…”
The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?
The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $20 to $30 million.”
The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…my wife is so smart! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.” 
"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
Lenny Bruce
"The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month."
Dostoevsky
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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OP
Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583 |
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" Asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)
Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,388
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,388 |
A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, arm in a sling, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when at a difficult hole; we both sliced our balls into a pasture of cows. We went to look for them and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it, stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" Asks the doctor.
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' I don't remember much after that."
"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
Lenny Bruce
"The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month."
Dostoevsky
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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OP
Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583 |
This man's wife had his credit card stolen. He didn't report it because the thief spent less money than his wif
milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)
Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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OP
Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583 |
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete, the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a "GHET."
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)
She replies,"Yes, very similar, only in this case, you get rid of the entire prick!"
milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)
Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.
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Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,388
old hand
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old hand
Joined: Aug 2005
Posts: 6,388 |
A New York judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is complete, the woman thanks the judge and says, "Now I have to arrange for a "GHET."
The judge inquires what she means by a Ghet. So, the woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce recognized by the Jewish faith.
The judge says, "You mean a religious ceremony like a Bris?" (Circumcision)
She replies,"Yes, very similar, only in this case, you get rid of the entire prick!"
"The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them."
Lenny Bruce
"The cleverest of all, in my opinion, is the man who calls himself a fool at least once a month."
Dostoevsky
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Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583
Administrator Bionic Scribe
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OP
Administrator Bionic Scribe
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 27,583 |
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 100 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2%were killed by an impact with a car.
The M.T.A. then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause:
When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow
in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the look-out crows could
shout "Cah! Cah! Cah! ", not a single one could shout "Truck! Truck!Truck! "
Makes you wonder why you gave me your email address,huh.?
milk and Girl Scout cookies ;-)
Save your breath-You may need it to blow up your date.
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![[Linked Image from womenaregreat.com]](http://womenaregreat.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/02/image001.jpg)
