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But if it's not a turkey, then what the hell is it?


Well, it's a whole lot of things. The company behind the vegan holiday roast doesn't make it too easy to get to its ingredients list online -- once you finally find the page that describes the Tofurky feast, the tab linking to the nutrition information is really really tiny. Maybe they're shy because the word "gluten" has become almost profane these days, and it's right at the top of the list:

Ingredients: ROAST: Water, vital wheat gluten, organic tofu (filtered water, organic whole soybeans, magnesium chloride, calcium chloride), expeller pressed non-genetically engineered canola oil, natural vegetarian flavors, shoyu soy sauce (water, non-genetically engineered soybeans, wheat, salt, culture), non-genetically engineered corn starch, white bean flour, garbanzo bean flour, lemon juice from concentrate, onion, carrots, celery, salt, calcium lactate from beets.

Inside the glutenous Tofurky exterior is the stuffing, which is composed primarily of a blend of rice, whole wheat bread, flour, evaporated cane juice (a sweetener), organic palm oil, carrots and celery.

​The "feast" package contains the stuffed roast, a pack of "giblet" gravy (made with a whole wheat flour base), a vegan chocolate cake dessert from Amy's, and, get this, Tofurky Jurky Wishstix, a replacement for the turkey wishbone and the associated pulling-apart and wish-making ritual, also made primarily of gluten