Capitol Hill Blue Forums Political Issues Constitutional Issues The Self-Destructive Habits Of Politics

Ahah! You've given me the opening for even more mirth, Ardy! Something I wrote in '03, concerning the use of the acronym LMAO (Laughing My Arse Off).

Given the inordinate number of butts in this forum that have apparently become detached as a result of uncontrollable fits of laughing, would it be safe to say that a meeting of members of this forum would not be a sit down affair? Indeed, given the growing regularity of this phenomenon, are the buttless going mainstream? Has the phrase, "great seats for the game" simply become cruel irony?

Are such buttless souls condemned to wander forevermore through cyberspace sans butt, or is there a place where lost butts, no matter how ragged, can be reunited with their owners? I suspect there must be because I have noticed that there are some people who report repeated occurances of this phenomenon. but what would serve as proof of ownership at such a place? Photo id? Butt print (the technology ain't all its cracked up to be)? Perhaps a line up?! "Hey, you. Yeah, you, third from the left. Get ridda the gum!"

"I'm just not sure officer. I never got a real good look. Could ya ask the one with the beard to turn sideways?"

Are there any known cases of tragic mismatches? Are such afflicted individuals left to take a stand for lack of support and backup? Surely there's a non-support group available for these wretches?

And what impact does it have on debate? Does it not give a whole new meaning to "rebuttal"?

What is the social impact for this emerging group of victims? Do they find themselves the butt of the joke at the various parties they attend? What poignant reminders do they endure when the next round is bought and an insensitive type raises his glass with a hearty, "Bottoms up!". Does one experience a sense of emotional loss with the sudden cessation of the tender kisses of others? And what of those who, through no fault of their own, are impacted by the increasing population of buttless people? Pity the bully -- a person whose entire world and sense of self is based upon the act of kicking butt. He must undoubtedly be profoundly shaken in a world increasingly populated by buttless people.

By the way, what does a butt sound like when it drops to the floor? And what is the proper etiquette if one is standing nearby when it happens to another? Does it become socially permissible in such a case to grab another's butt with the purpose of returning it? Is there a greater status accorded those who have worked theirs off? Do those who have merely laughed theirs off get depicted as shiftless, lazy, or even half-assed in their subsequent actions?

If one loses the use of ones butt through the laugh inducing stupidity of a governmental action, could it be construed as a "taking"? Would the judge have the sensitivity to order the bailiff to forego the usual command to the people present to "be seated"? If not, could it result in a hung jur -- Oops! Better not go there.

Is there legal remedy if someone else has been found to have been playing with one's detached butt, or is possession still considered 9/10ths of the law? And how much more apologetic would a "sorry butt" be which has lost its mode of transportation? And has it ceased to be polite for a man to offer a lady his seat?

There has also been an economic and a social impact as demonstrated by reports of roaming gangs of peopleless butts and reports of random acts of flatulence by gangs hauling ass. But, as Father McLaughlin, at the Home for Lost Butts, likes to say, "There are no bad butts". On the other hand, there has been a remarkable increase in law school enrollment and most of the asses in Congress have been reported missing.

Republicans are pushing their proactive "just say no to humor" campaign while Dan Burton prepares for committee hearings. Democrats, having lost their butts in elections for the past 10 years, seem more comfortable with the developing crisis.

So there you have it. Think twice before you get carried away and begin to ROTF. It could very well lead to LYBO.
Yours,
Issodhos