If you have a humorous item - be it a joke, a picture, a video, or whatever - and you don't feel like giving it a thread of its own, just post it to this thread.

Two Jews were walking down the street when they passed a Baptist church. Out front was a sign, "We'll Pay You $100 To Convert".

Shlomo says, "Can it be possible?"

Shmuel says, "No way. I'll go in, and watch, they'll stiff me."

So Shmuel goes in. Four hours later, he comes out again.

Shlomo asks, "Nu, after all that, did they give you the $100?"

Shmuel replies, "Is that all you people think about?"

A frog walks into a bank.

He approaches a teller and says, "Hi! I'm Mick Jagger's son and I'd like a loan."

The teller, not a little taken aback at this unusual request, stammers out a reply, "Um, er, sir, um, loans are applied for with one of our loan officers. If you wish to apply for a loan, please see the loan receptionist," and he directs the frog over to a man sitting at a desk in a glassed in area adjacent to the lobby.

"Thank you," says the frog who departs to the loan area.

"May I help you?" asks the loan receptionist.

"Yes, please," says the frog, "I'd like a loan. I'm good for the money because I'm Mick Jagger's son."

"Yes," says the man. "I see." Not knowing quite what to do with this frog, he opts to direct him to the senior loan specialist. "Please go and speak with Ms. Patricia Mack, our senior loan counselor, she will advise you."

"Thank you very much," says the frog and he goes over to introduce himself.

"Good Morning," says the frog, "I am here to secure a loan from your bank. I can assure that I am good for the loan, as Mick Jagger is my father."

"Um, well, yes, good morning, my name is Patricia Mack, though everyone calls me Patty, and, um, well, err, please have a seat."

Eyeing the frog with prudent skepticism, Ms. Mack begins, "You see, when the bank makes a loan, even to the, um, offspring of celebrities, it is customary to secure collateral for the loan to be re-paid."

"But I assure you Ms. Mack..."

"Patty, please."

"Patty, thank you," says the frog. "I can assure that there is no risk to the bank, after all, I am Mick Jagger's son. If you ask the manager, I'm sure he'll agree."

"Um, uh, sir, yes, but you see, it is bank policy to provide collateral for loans, even to the scions of famous celebrities. It is simply how these things are done."

"Oh." says the frog. "Well, here then," he says, and reaching into his pocket, he pulls out a tiny porcelain pink elephant and places it gently on the loan counselor's desk.

"There," says the frog, "now you have your collateral, really, I am good for the money, you know. After all, I'm Mick Jagger's son. May I please have the loan?"

Ms. Mack eyes the delicate, tiny pink porcelain elephant. And looks at the frog, smiling expectantly. And then again at the delicate, tiny pink porcelain elephant.

"Very well, "she says, "I will confer with the loan manager. Please wait here."

Ms. Mack rises, and somewhat dubiously goes into the loan manager's office.

"Hello, Patty, what can I do for you, " says the loan manager.

"Well, there's this frog, see, and he says he wants a loan and that he's good for the money because he's Mick Jagger's son. I explained to him that it's bank policy to secure collateral again the loan and he gave me this...this...well, what the heck is this thing anyway?"

The loan manager smiles at her and says, "It's a nick nack, Patty Mack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

Definition of an optimist:

A man working on the roof of a twenty story building trips and fall over the edge.

As he is passing the tenth floor he says,
"So far, so good"

nyuk nyuk.:-)

A son receives the news that his elderly Jewish father has been baptized by the local catholic priest. The son assumes that his frail father has been taken advantage of at this late stage in his life and rushes to set things right

After the son arrives, his father re-assures him of the soundness of his decision " Better one of them should die than one of us."

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

The husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."

NSFW

Durward and Alexander, were identical twin boys, born in the Twin Cities, who went to a two-year college together, married identical twin girls exactly their age, and ended up taking jobs with the same company outside of Sacramento. They did everything together, including joining the California-based Church of Itsenism, which preached that everyone, good bad or indifferent, went to their heaven called Itsen when they died.

One day the two young men went for a ride on their tandem bicycle, but were run over by a twin-rig diesel out on Route 2. They were buried together under a common headstone that read, of course, Alex and Dur, Souls in Itsen.

Poor Doctor Beraid cane to a very bad end, an end which he caused himself.

Beraid had spent his career working in the field of hypo-allergenics, working towards developing a breed of swine whose bodies contained nothing that would be rejected by humans. They were also capable of regenerating body organs, so they were intended to be the first trouble-free organ farms for transplants to humans.

Unfortunately, there were some genetic drawbacks. They were huge, over a thousand pounds at maturity, so Beraid cleverly cloned gorillas to tend to them. There was another problem: their breath was so bad that not even the gorillas could work with the pigs until they had been stuffed full of breath mints.

One day there were almost 80 gorillas working with the swine when one of them dropped a big bag of breath mints. Beraid backhanded the gorilla, which was most unfortunate for him. The police report on his sudden death concluded:

Seventy six strong clones fed the pig Beraid, with a hundred and ten Clorets close at hand.

We need a "groan" smiley

How about this?

Grandma Goes Shopping

A grandmother had a grandson with a upcoming birthday.

She knew he liked fishing, so down to the sporting goods store she went.
After looking around,she found a rod and reel that might look good, so she went to the counter.
Behind the counter sat a man with dark glasses.

The grandmother inquired, "Can you help me decide which rod and reel to get for my grandson?"

"Sure", replied the man, "I am blind, but if you toss the item on the counter, I can tell by the sound what it is."

After placing the rod and reel on the counter the blind man said, "Well that's a Shakespeare 6 foot rod and a Zebco reel, good combo and its on sale for 20 dollars this week."

Impressed the grandma said ,"I'll take it".
She reached into her purse and pulled out her credit card only to drop it on the floor.
After hearing the card fall to the floor,the blind man said, "Mastercard, very good!"

As the grandma bent over to pickup the card, she passed a very large amount of gas.
Very embarrassed she looked around and figured the man was blind so he wouldn't know who did it.
He rang her up and said "that'll be 34.50 ma'am."

"But you told me it was on sale for 20 dollars!", the grandma exclaimed.
The blind man replied,"Yep,20 dollars for the rod and reel, but that duck call's 11 dollars and the catfish bait's another 3.50!"

Love it

Subject: His and Her Diary for the Same Day

The answer to many of life's problems







HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure out why.

The Librarian is sitting at her desk in the library, doing her librarian duty, when a chicken walks up to the desk.

"Book," he says. So, she looks on the shelf behind her and gets a book, makes out a new library card for him, in the name of "chicken," and off goes the chicken with the book under his wing.

The next day, the chicken returns with the book, and gives it to the librarian. He says, "book, book." So, she reaches behind her, selects two books, gives them to him, and off goes the chicken. She is completely bewildered. She has read, Charlotte's Web, of course, but doesn't really believe that the chicken is actually reading the books.

But, the next day, in walks the chicken, returns the two books, and says "book, book, booook." So, she dutifully reaches behind her, gets three books, and checks them out to the chicken, who struggles out the door with his new selections. Overcome with curiosity, the librarian follows him. He goes down the street, then into the woods... and she follows. Pretty soon, the chicken comes to a pond in the woods. He says, "book, book, booook."

From out of the pond, comes a frog. He looks over the selection of books that the chicken has brought, shakes his head and says...

"Read it, read it, read it."

Google Maps 8-bit Start your quest!

Link to introduction video

Special Applications

Elton John never finished his song about Averill Whitman, the "rocket Man."

He actually got to Mars, alone and shipwrecked, only to discover that Mars was inhabited by a humanoid species who called themselves the Gott. Remarkably like humans, but cyclopean, one rather large eye in the niddle of the forehead.

Averill married one of the Gott women in a civil ceremony, then settled down to a quiet life of a Martian farmer. Twenty years passed, and a manned ship from Earth arrived to explore. The three astronauts were appalled to find that Averill had gone native, and had even married what they took to be monstrosities.

Averill assured them that he had been quite right to marry the Gott, singing for them, "Ain't no woman like the one-eyed Gott."

How I spent my weekend

The Line

The stakes are not high, but the prize is a ton!
Just imagine the things you could do if you won –
A vacation to Disney – for a month, if not two
Two or three cars, not used ones, but new
A condo in Aspen, I’d bet that’d seem cheap
A place on the ticket, probably as Veep…
A Governorship, the Senate…, or House, if you’re slummin’
A dozen Les Pauls, just for sittin’ ‘round strummin’
Or maybe… a plane, or a few, or a yacht
You could buy a zoo! Or, on second thought, not
Or something more practical, like somewhere to stay
Out of sight, quite secluded, and far, far away
With an arsenal that would make even bad Harry’s day
Best keep the change in your pocket, where it might do some good
Leave the line in which – for an hour – you’ve stood
And think of more practical uses for things you have got
Instead of daydreams that engender greedmaking thought
That is brought on by just one Mega payday
But, instead, I part with a bit of my pay
And head home with just a small sliver of hope
Knowing I’ll lose, but a happier dope

(c) Remember you read it here first

Alexander the Great and his staff meetings

The armies of Alexander the Great were greatly feared in their day, but there was one problem that they had that almost defeated them. Alexander could not get his people to staff meetings on time. He always held the meetings at 6.00 p.m. each day after the day's battle was done, but frequently his generals either forgot or let the time slip up on them and missed the 6.00 p.m. staff meeting. This angered Alexander very much, to say the least!

So he called in his research team and set up a project to develop a method of determining the time at 6.00 p.m. each day. There were no clocks in those days, at least none that could be carried around. The smallest was a giant water clock "Find a way for my staff to determine the hour of the day, or at least when it gets to be 6.00 p.m.," he said, "Cost is no object."

A study was instituted and, with several brain-storming sessions, his staff came up with the following idea. In a land some distance away, there grew a bush whose berries contained a type of dye that changed colour at 6.00 p.m. each evening. They found that by dyeing strips of cloth and issuing them to the generals, they could see when it was 6.00 p.m. by the colour change, and could consistently get to the 6.00 p.m. meetings on time. Needless to say this pleased Alexander very much.

It was then turned over to his marketing group to come up with a name for this new invention as Alexander saw definite market potential in the strips. "It can be worn on the wrist and can be easily watched for the colour change," said one junior executive. "I therefore propose to call it the Wrist Watch." This name was immediately discarded for being too bland and obvious.

Another man suggested that since it could be worn in the navel and could be observed by just looking down, it should be called the Naval Observatory. This idea was rejected immediately as being too weird and too technical sounding for the general public.

A junior vice-president suggested that since it could be worn around the neck and would insure that you would be informed when it reached 6.00 p.m., it should be called the Six O'Clock Noose, but this was rejected as too threatening.

Finally the senior vice president, who up to now had been silent, spoke and rendered his decision. "We shall call it a time-band, and in honour of the Great Alexander, it shall be known as ... Alexander's Rag Time-band!"

Joe was backpacking through Europe. He had been on the road for two weeks and was having the time of his life.

Late one afternoon a fierce rainstorm broke out. Suddenly he was drenched, cold and miserable. He searched frantically for shelter. Up ahead he could make out lights and a building of some kind. As Joe got closer he realized it was a monastery.

Joe knocked on the door and it opened. The monks welcomed him without hesitation and offered him food and shelter for the night.

Joe had a hot bath and put on some dry clothes while his own clothes were drying. He then sat down for dinner. It was fish and chips and it was delicious!

One of the monks, Brother James, came over to his table and asked, "Is everything all right my son?"

"Yes." he replied. "Everything is wonderful! I am truly grateful for all your kindness. And this is the most delicious fish and chips I have ever had. Tell me; would it be possible for me to personally compliment the chef?"

"Certainly," said the monk and he led him to the kitchen where he met two more monks, Brother John and Brother Samuel.

"Which one of you do I have to thank for that great dinner of fish and chips?" Joe asked.

Brother John smiled. "Well," he said, "I'm the fish friar and Brother Samuel is the chip monk."

I had been at the archaeological site in Southern Turkey for only a few weeks, when it became obvious to me that we needed to install an incentive program for the Kurdish workers who comprised the bulk of our diggers. So I began offering a sliding scale of rewards for special finds. The ultimate find was a complete pot or bowl with writing on it, which would earn the finder a cool ten dollars.

One evening I was enjoying a roasted chicken for dinner when two of my best workers interrupted me. They had each seen a complete bowl at the same time, and each wanted the $10. I offered them $5 apiece, but they refused, each saying he deserved the full reward. They drew knives and began to face off, when I had an idea. I pulled the wishbone out of the chicken and explained to them how we used to pull wishbones when I was a kid, with the one getting the longer piece being the winner. Being great gamblers, they agreed on this solution, and both went away happy, one with the ten bucks and the other consoled by the fact that it was just luck. Yes, I just stilled two Kurds with one bone.

RIP: Thomas Kinkade

NSFW

OK, so it's not really American Humor. Close enough.

Family Guy vs Christianity

We're Just Friends

35 Animals Who Are Kind Of Worried About You

Rambo

Window

At last, a thread that can stay on topic... smile

I needed some humor today

thx Golem

Billy Bob, went off to a NASCAR race, where they had a drawing for a trip to Atlanta. Billy Bob won, so for the first time in their lives Billy Bob, Lola Mae, and son Bubba went to the big city. The cab deposited them at their hotel, and while they were waiting to check in Lola Mae went out to smoke a cigarette.

Billy Bob and Bubba are standing in the lobby, just staring, when a little old lady crept by, borne up by a walker, pushed a button, and when the door opened she went in. A couple of minutes later the bell dinged, the door opened, and out stepped a tall gorgeous redhead. A huge fat woman who was waiting in front of the door went through the door, and it closed again. A minute later the bell dinged, the door opened, and out came a really foxy redhead with legs from here to there.

Billy Bob turned to Bubba. "Go git your mother. Now."

FULL SIZE PICTURE LINK - best enjoyed full screen.

Original photo

From FReeper "Roscoe Karns"

Here is a good map of Canada.

Only visible at very high resolution is a little dot off the left coast. numan is an island.

Scroll down and read the reviews.

OH, Nooooo......

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. He was fingering a minor.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

NSFW

Whoa! Mitt Romney is using this watch for his campaign platform!
Awesome!

A woman was looking to renew and update her welfare status.

Welfare agent: “Your application states that your husband died five years ago, but you report children aged four, three, two, one, and one in the oven. Can you explain this?”

Applicant: ”He died, I didn’t!”

Heh

Sometimes, The Right Song Makes All The Difference in a Video

This quadcopter is made from a taxidermied cat

AD PARODY - NOT TO BE TAKEN SERIOUSLY



FULL SIZE LINK

NSFW

"Three tomatoes are walking down the street. Papa tomato, Mama tomato, Baby tomato... Baby tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa tomato gets really angry and goes back and squishes him and says catch up." - Mia in Pulp Fiction

Bored Husband: Why Mr Murray can no longer go shopping

Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go shopping.


Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the store loyalty Card, the manager of our store is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


Yours sincerely,

Store Manager

What if Dr. Seuss wrote [i]The Call of Cthulhu[/i]?

Fart SoundBoard

"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever." -- Germaine Greer

Whoa right there, mate! What the hell is this about Cthulu doing in a humour thread? Vile humours indeed, when that book is read!

NSFW

Cleveland

Being a liberal is so hard.

From http://xkcd.com/1074/A webcomic of romance,
sarcasm, math, and language.

'

Well, they have a great future -- either in politics or in a psych ward.

Especially --

"I will stalk you, manipulate you, physically abuse you, treat you like an incompetent child, and contemplate killing you regularly."

He could reach the highest levels of political life.

'
I found one that was amusing -- but it took a while!

Fella walks into the doctor's office. Says, Doc, I think I got VD.
Doctor asks, does your penis burn after you urinate or have sex?

Guy says, I dunno Doc, I never tried to light it.

Rules for the Cat

http://www.facebook.com/bluelechat

My youngest daughter has no children and supervised the facebook page on her Siamese cat. Note he has a friend named Clawed Monet. There's some funny stuff on this page. I have two cats that are black and two daughters who are not.

Last week on Morning Joe, the Emanuele brothers were guests: Rahm, who is the major of Chicago, Zeke who is a Medical Doctor and Aron who is a college professor. They told the story of sharing a bedroom where they had bunk beds and the crib. The two older boys would climb to the top of the bunks and jump off landing on the crib to see how far they could make the baby flip. I was laughing so hard I had to run for the potty. Mika then asked how their mother was and Zeke aaid "she is fine, but she still on her Meds."

http://cheezburger.com/6375790336

How to dance to dubstep - Pentecostal edition

A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"

The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun."

"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.

"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.

The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?

His father replied, "These are 'babouches,' which keep us from burning our feet in the desert."

"Tell me," added the boy.

"Yes, my son?"

"Why are you living in Dearborn, Michigan and still wearing all this s***?"

Where did HE come from? Hilarious moment cat jumped on TV news reporter during live broadcast
Christine Show
The Daily Mail
July 6, 2012

More, with pics and video

Voting

What other person?

Re: Turing machines...
..........................................

From my redneck republican friend:

Barack Obama, at a recent rural elementary school assembly in West Virginia, asked the audience for total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands once every few seconds, holding the audience in total silence.

Then he said into the microphone, 'Children, every time I clap my hands together, a child in America dies from gun violence.'

Then, little Richard Earl, with a proud West Virginia drawl, pierced the quiet and said: 'Well, dumbass, stop clapping!'

>sweeps out the same area every night



I need to check the humor thread more often!

source

noomie, yer stick figger cartoons are xsellent. A gold mine. Hyoumerus.

Keep 'em coming.

Source

One of my favorites, Phil.

The nuns gathered around the Mother Superior's bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Bushmills Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior's bed, they held the glass to her lips. The frail old nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

"Mother," the nuns asked earnestly, "Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us."

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

"Don't sell that cow."

So this guy and his wife are on the 15 floor of hotel having an argument. It is getting heated and she threatens to jump out the window. The husband calls down to the hotel manager and tells him his wife is threatening to jump.

The manager asks, "Is it a personal problem?"

The husband says, "No, it's a maintenance problem. I can't get the window open."

Repairs

Walmart

Astronomy

GET SPOCK UP HERE!

One day a man decided to retire...
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman."I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the row boat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."
"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"Oh it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes.
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"

Is that true Numan -- the Canadian part?

Reminds me of the extremely rich young fellow who went on a month's vacation, during which he booked 28 straight days of solo rounds at Pebble Beach. THAT cost a mint.

The third morning he is on the 3d tee when he glances behind him and sees this gorgeous young thing in the flight behind him, also playing solo. He waits for her to catch up, and they play the rest of the round together. Afterwards they stop at the 19th for drinks, and she invites him home.

There she cooks him a gourmet meal, paired with wine that had to have cost $300 a bottle. She then performs absolutely fantastic oral sex on him, but will not let him spend the night.

The next day is a repeat, as is the next. Great golf, great food, great wine, great oral sex, but nothing more. The guy finally says, "Darling, I would like to have sex with you."

She says, "Actually, that's impossible. You see, I'm a transvestite."

The guy sits in shock for a minute, then screams at the top of his lungs, "You bitch! You've been playing from the ladies' tee all this time!"

This polish farmer is plowing his field one day, and the plow strikes something hard in the ground. Expecting another stone, he digs it up only to find a lamp. As he's rubbing it clean, a genie pops out and says, "For rescuing me, I will grant you three wishes."

The farmer thinks about it for a moment and then says, "I wish that Mongol hordes would invade Poland and then go home." The genie waves his hand, and Mongol hordes stream into Poland, loot his house, and go home.

The genie asks, "what is your second wish?" Again, the farmer says, "I wish that Mongol hordes would invade Poland and then go home." The genie waves his hand again, and Mongol hordes stream into Poland, steal his livestock, and go home.

The genie asks, "what is your third wish?" And again, the farmer says, "I wish that Mongol hordes would invade Poland and then go home." The genie waves his hand one last time, and Mongol hordes stream into Poland, burn down his farm, and go home.

The genie then says to the farmer, "I have granted you your three wishes. But I must know, why did you wish for Mongol hordes to invade your country and then go home three times?"

The farmer replies, "Because they had to go through Russia six times!"

I just stole that one. But I am not going to tell you what the car wax said to the furniture wax because I do not repeat polish jokes.

A dietitian was once addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water."

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

A 75-year-old man in the front row stood up and said, "Wedding cake."

Husband Store
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.


'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.


She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floorhas wives that love sex.

The second floorhas wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifthand sixthfloors have never been visited.

Haha! I have a cat that does that! Every open box has to be sat in.

Remember when you came home from the grocery store? You would empty the grocery bags. You might drop those bags on the floor. When you went to pick a bag up, it would be strangely heavy.

Also, you would be in the kitchen and when you used your can opener - whether or not it was manual or electric - a four legged feline critter would just happen to stroll in.

'
A Canadian, and an American are walking together down a road, when they stumble upon a lamp with a genie in it. After they rub the lamp, a Genie pops out and says, "Okay, you each get one wish each, who's going first?"

American: "Me, ME, ME!!! I want a 20-foot brick wall around all of the USA to keep the Canadians out."

Genie: "Granted!" POOF

Genie: "Okay Canadian, It's Your turn!"

Canadian: "Is that wall you put around the USA waterproof?"

Genie: "Yup!"

Canadian: "Fill 'er Up!"

Canucks love skeeters and muskeg. "Fraid the latitude might make more reg'lar swampland than muskeg, though.

'
CANADA APOLOGIZES TO THE USA
A truly Canadian Apology to the USA, courtesy of Rick Mercer from This Hour Has 22 Minutes, CBC Television :

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audience we did, and you flooded our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, MUCH better than yours. By way of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it!! It's very nice.

Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

Not to pick, or nuthin', but...

Canadian forests

I truly wish Canadians would wake up from their zombie-like trance and do something about the rapacious corporatists to whom they are enslaved.

(It is humorous how pointing one's nose too up in the air so deprives the owner of detecting what is going on just beneath it!)

That was funny. Was being the key word. The craft beer brewed in the US got so good (in the past 30 years) that the Canadians were forced to follow suit and brew some decent brew themselves.

Molsons, Labatts, Kokanee, and even Moosehead were at one time slightly superior to US macrobrews but it took the good ol US of A to show them Canucks how to brew a decent craft brew. So the eh’ers to the north had to follow suit.

Potatoes



Well,
A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato which they called 'Yam'.

Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life.

They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!

But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.

She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard- boiled guys from Ireland.

And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

And when she went out West, to watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Golds, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. And Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips.

But in spite of all they did for
her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw?!?!

Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset.

They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just.......

Are you ready for this?
Are you sure?

*

*

OK!
Here it is!

*

*
*


*

A
COMMONTATER

That was appealing.

And I assume that when she told her parents of her plans she had stars in all of her eyes.

This is the real A-Team intro:

'
This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
(Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95)

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No.... I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE
CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE-FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP !!

Canadians: This is a lighthouse.... Your call.

I've heard this many times. I finally decided to check it out.

Snopes

Wikipedia

Oh, no, noomie!!

Say, while I've got you on the line, can I order some cheap, high quality Canadian lumber and some cheap, top-shelf canuck beer?

Never-Going-To-Give-You-Up? I don’t get it. I there something I am missing there?

Is this funny?

real life funny? no, internet funny? perhaps

OK-I “get” it now. Or do I?

You doubting Golem you. The nerve of you to try to prove that an anti-American joke is not based on truth, despite the attestation of the perpetrator. You should be ashamed.

I don't think jokes need to be true.
Even if they are "told for the truth"
Let's try to keep this thread for humor rather than attacks on those who tell the jokes.

'
Er...You mean to say that you actually took that part of the joke seriously?

It was obviously part of the humour !! · ·

But it wasn't actually derivative, because Newton failed to tell anybody about his invention until Leibniz published! And in that spirit, we all use Leibniz's nomenclature and operation symbols to this day.

Newton was undoubtedly a genius of the first order, but from what I read he also sounds like kind of a jerk.

Did you happen to read The Baroque Cycle?

NSFW

Say! Is there a version of that for Patriotism?

'
Make it up for yourself.

I would do it, but there might be children reading these posts.

[Well, it is at least conceivable].

We live in a world where there are actual fleets of robot assassins patroling the skies

He also never forgot what's Watt.

Ohmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Why're you tormenting us so?!

I bought a wooden whistle, but it wooden whistle.
So I bought a lead whistle, but they wooden lead me whistle.
I bought a copper whistle, but the copper wooden lead me whistle.
So I bought a steel whistle, and steel the copper wooden lead me whistle!
Then I bought a tin whistle, and now I tin whistle.

Yes, I did. That's how I became interested in the great calculus invention controversy. Stephenson was writing an entertaining novel, but managed to incorporate a lot of historical fact. Here's an interesting link:

Leibniz-Newton calculus controversy wiki page



Nice trick: Writing the report of the committee investigating yourself!

'

I think there are rather a lot of Americans who see themselves that way.

I believe the truth always lies between the most extreme claims

Good one, Golem!


THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem, but that it was expensive.

"A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can (COORS), then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10."

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count!

'1'

'2'

'3'

'4'

'5'

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs and continued counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works well in the other "red" states, where Obamacare cannot go.

We do not live in a world where there are fleets of robot assassins patrolling the sky.

'

Ha, ha -- very funny, Ted.

One would be enlightened by examining the difference between robotic and remote controlled. Just saying, mind you.

I was hanging out over the weekend with a group of people whom I have known online for many years. One of them told me that Ramón Mercader, Trotsky's assassin, gained access to him by announcing himself at the door and telling him "I am here to pick your brain."

Cerebral humor.

Using a ring to bind someone you covet into your dark and twisted world? Wow!....

Mars

Communication from Fearless Leader to Martian Minions: "Quick! Get under the rocks. They're here looking for little green men, and we can't make it too easy for them...SO GET YOUR MUG OUTTA THE LENS!!! We don't want them up here taking our rich red dirt. If they find out we can get a crop of little greenies only 45 days after planting, we'll lose the entire planet surface to Monsanto.

Or the personnel department for that Mini-Cooper company, 'cuz we fit in small places. Being only a foot and half high and all.

Did they finally send William Shatner?

Speaking of Monsanto, we don't want none of their polluted DNA, pesticide making foodstuffs from GMO seed up here. Just real, home cooked earth food would be the nicest treat in the Solar System. But, this crazy truck has no food. Not even a...

Do those geniuses at NASA think we like doing moonshots for cheese? Didn't the bleedin' name of this Planet give them the least, little, smidgen of a hint?

And don't forget writing up the report due on the fancy-schmancy Mars Mission Dune Rover. It looks like an explosion in the Erector Set Factory fer gunnus sake. What do they think they're going to find in the middle of a field of red dirt. A Martian/Chinese joint venture auto factory buried 65 feet down? It's globalism, not galaxy-ism.

BTW, don't forget to send Earthlings a message that if they send us Donald Trump, we're sending him back. He'll be fired before he arrives, if only because comb overs aren't allowed and we don't like destroyers of Scottish dunes so that the "world's greatest golf course" could be built in a sensitive ecosystem. Article on Trump Golf Course and Magical Approval of the Scheme

Fearless Leader Signing Off-- And Don't Forget The Prime Directive.

What's in the box?

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food.
She picked up four cans and took them to the checkout counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat.

A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."

The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food.

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food.
Again the cashier said "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog.
A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog."

So she went home and brought in her dog.
She then was able to buy the dog food.

The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid.
The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.

The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."

The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box
that would harm her.
So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out.

She said to the little old lady,
"That smells like s***."
The little old lady said,
"It is.

I want to buy three rolls of toilet paper."

Don't mess with old people.

'I had a hard time with ayn rand because I found myself enthusiastically agreeing with the first 90% of every sentence, but getting lost at, "therefore be a huge a--hole to everybody."'

Have you ever wondered what the difference between grannies and grandads is?

A 5 year old granddaughter is usually taken to school daily by her grandfather.

One day when he had a bad cold, his wife took the grandchild.

That night she told her parents that the ride to school with granny was very different!

"What made it different?" asked her parents.

She replied, "Gran and I didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dickhead, Asian prick, or wanker anywhere on the way to school today!"

She probably navigated to school on the wrong route using the old Tate's Patented Compass, invented and patented by my late uncle Tate Remington. It was beautiful to look at, but never pointed north. Within the family we knew that "he who has a Tate's is lost."

Looks as though someone photochopped his tail.

I'll never forget you -- at least, the parts of you that were important red flags

Here are the top nine comments made by NBC sports commentators during the Summer Olympics that they would like to take back:

1. Weightlifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

Why Men Oversleep

BRAIN – SYSTEM: Attention. Alert registered.
CENTRAL: Alert? Number One, report!
NUMBER ONE: Sir! We’re picking up loud music.
CENTRAL: Music? We were just asleep!
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Ears report it’s “The Last Train to Clarksville.”
CENTRAL: Good lord, are we being tortured?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Eyes are functional and request instruction.
CENTRAL: Tell them to open up and try to find out what is going on.
NUMBER ONE: Scope! Okay, I see darkness… darkness… Wait, there’s a woman sleeping there.
CENTRAL: A woman?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station wants to know if it is Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: Forget about Libido. What can you tell me?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Memory reports a near perfect match to “wife,” sir.
CENTRAL: Well of course. Keep looking.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, urgent report from Stomach on the horn, do you want to take it?
CENTRAL: Stomach, what’s going on?
STOMACH: Sir, we’ve taken a hit, it… it looks bad, sir.
CENTRAL: Get hold of yourself, man!
STOMACH: Yessir. It looks like a burrito, sir. It exploded at about 1900 hours and we’ve been out of action ever since. I don’t… I don’t know if she can take much more, Captain.
CENTRAL: Stomach! Now you listen to me, son. We’re all counting on you up here. Don’t give up now. Remember the chilli of’ 94? We made it through that, we can make it through anything.
STOMACH: Yessir. You can count on me, sir.
CENTRAL: Good man.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, I’ve got a visual on the clock!
CENTRAL: Tell me, Number One.
NUMBER ONE: Oh my God, sir. It’s horrible.
CENTRAL: Dammit sailor, get a grip on yourself!
NUMBER ONE: It’s… It’s six thirty, sir. In the morning.
CENTRAL: In the morning? Not again. I thought… I thought that we’d had the worst of it yesterday.
SYSTEM: Sixty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: This is madness. Do you know what’s going to happen if we go conscious now, this early?
NUMBER ONE: Work, sir?
CENTRAL: That’s right, Number One. It’ll be work, all right. I don’t… I don’t know if I can live through that hell again.
SYSTEM: Fifty seconds to consciousness.
NUMBER ONE: Sir? Do you have orders?
CENTRAL: Hmmm?
NUMBER ONE: Orders, sir. Do you have orders for us?
CENTRAL: Orders? Orders, Number One? Damn right there are orders! Let’s get ourselves moving.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir!
SYSTEM: Forty seconds to consciousness.
CENTRAL: Shut that damn thing off, I’m trying to think. Get our remote stations on line. I want a Search and Acquire on anything that feels like a snooze button. Tell them to MOVE. Bladder!
BLADDER: Yes sir?
CENTRAL: How are you holding?
BLADDER: All systems are flush and ready, sir. We can go another three hours, easy.
CENTRAL: Very well, Bladder. Number One, get me Nose on the horn.
NOSE: Sir, Nose reporting, sir!
CENTRAL: Good to hear from you, Nose. How are you doing up there?
NOSE: Sir, ah, we registered cat breath about twenty minutes ago, but it was pretty faint and I didn’t think…
CENTRAL: Steady on, nose. You were right not to trigger an alert.
NOSE: Thank you, sir.
CENTRAL: Nose, I’m afraid I have bad news for you, son. We took a burrito last night.
NOSE: Oh no, sir, not again!
CENTRAL: I said steady! You’re going to have to hold on, you hear me? Hold on, and it will pass. I don’t want ANYTHING getting through to Consciousness.
NOSE: Yes sir. I’ll try, sir.
CENTRAL: That’s the spirit. Stomach!
STOMACH: Sir?
CENTRAL: How are you doing down there?
STOMACH: We’ve been breached, Captain. The whole alimentary is in flames. I’m trying to keep it contained, but I can’t promise anything.
CENTRAL: Damn!
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Libido Station reports it is ready for battle!
CENTRAL: Tell Libido to calm down, I’ll call him when I need him. Any report from our search party?
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Fingers report they located and toppled a glass of water, a pair of glasses, and a box of Kleenex. No luck on the snooze, sir.
CENTRAL: Number One, I don’t mind telling you, if we don’t get this under control we’re going to lose her.
NUMBER ONE: Yes sir. Sir, Libido requests positive verification that the woman sleeping next to us is not Anna Kournikova.
CENTRAL: For crying out loud.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, Ears reports the song is over. It’s going to commercial, sir.
CENTRAL: How much time on the system clock?
NUMBER ONE: Ten seconds to consciousness, sir. We’ve lost smile control in the lower facial and we’re developing a frown.
CENTRAL: Brace yourself, Number One. I’m afraid we’ve had it.
NUMBER ONE: Sir! Fingers has located target. Repeat, Fingers is on target!
CENTRAL: Fire!
NUMBER ONE: Hit! Sir, direct hit!
CENTRAL: Ears!
NUMBER ONE: It’s gone, Captain! Ears reports the music is gone!
CENTRAL: We’ve done it!
SYSTEM: Consciousness cancelled.
NUMBER ONE: Sir, all systems are ready for sleep mode. Repeat, sleep mode now ready.
CENTRAL: Trigger sleep mode NOW.
NUMBER ONE: Sleep mode triggered, aye aye, sir.
CENTRAL: Shut Eyes.
NUMBER ONE: Eyes off, sir. Frown relaxed, smile restored.
CENTRAL: By golly, that was a close one.
NUMBER ONE: Yessir. Sir, Dream Team requests selection. Libido asking for something naked, sir.
CENTRAL: Request denied. Let’s roll the one where we show up for church wearing only our underwear, I like that one.
NUMBER ONE: Roger that, sir. Dream selection completed and tape is rolling, sir.
CENTRAL: Good work, Number One. You take the helm.
NUMBER ONE: Aye aye, sir.

That is a classic

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I don't do any drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a s***?"

'

That short video reminds me of a cat that used to own me. I'd gone to dinner with a date, and this man was so nice he'd brought me a dozen red roses. Prior to leaving my flat, I put the roses into a lovely vase, added water, and put them atop the refrigerator. I surrounded the flowers with boxes of cereal and other things to hide the flowers, all of which would fall down on her head if she tried to get to the long stemmed roses. I thought it a clever way to discourage any kitty foul play.

When we returned from a lovely meal, I invited this nice gentleman up for a cuppa, and so we could continue our conversation. He and I walked into the kitchen, and atop the fridge, found a dozen rose free long stems, with rose blossoms scattered across the kitchen floor. A few had been transformed into kitty hockey pucks. Foul play indeed.

One didn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to determine who was not guilty.

At that moment, there was a sound of a cell phone ringing. He answered, and hadn't thought that I'd overhear both sides of the conversation. On the other end, a woman's voice asked him to bring something nice to drink and pastries for breakfast. I swear she purred like a kitten. Parts of what I overheard cannot be posted on a site monitored by the FCC, if you get my drift.

He'd left the speaker function on. No matter, I have the hearing of a fruit bat.

He left without that cuppa and our conversation was certainly over. And out. He was very, very, very out.

I praised that cat for weeks. She had extraordinary sense of character. His. I knew enough to be grateful for having such a good watch-cat.

Gooooooooooood Kittie!

A man was caught in a flood and climbed onto the roof of his house. "Lord save me!" he cried into the rain.

A man floating by in a canoe back-paddled and offered him a lift to safety. The man replied "No, the Lord will save me."

Later on, with the water rising, a motorboat came by and offered the man a lift. The man replied, "No thank you, the Lord will save me."

When the man was perched on the very ridgepole with water up to his waist, a helicopter hovered overhead and offered to drop a rope and winch him aboard. The man replied, "No thank you, the Lord will save me."

The man drowned soon after. He found himself in front of the unimaginable majesty of God. Prostrating himself, he wailed, "Lord, why did you not save me!"

God looked at him for a second and said, "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

Kind of how I always felt in gym class

The dog in the back was a frequent flyer in my neighborhood. Unlike normal dogs, he could only go through fences or barriers if he was able to pick the lock on the gate first.

You chased dogs in gym?

Wait ... didn't you?

Nah, the dogs mos' gen'ly chased me.

gymkhana?

Steeplechase?

The pastor of a church had called all of the little children, dressed in their cute Easter outfits, to the front of the church and had them sit around him.

He said, "Today is Easter and you all look so handsome and beautiful. Today we're going to talk about the Resurrection. Does anyone know what the Resurrection is?"

One little boy raised his hand, and the pastor held the microphone in front of him and said, "Please, tell us what the Resurrection is."

The little boy, proud of himself because he knew the answer, said in a clear loud voice "When you get one lasting more than four hours, you gotta call a doctor!"

It took a solid five minutes before the pastor could speak again.

Amen!

This guy goes to the doctor and says to him, "Doctor, I don't know what's wrong with me but every time I fart it sounds like the word 'Honda'."

"That's interesting. Never heard of anything like that before. Do you think you could fart for me?" says the doctor.

The guy says, "Sure." He farts and sure enough the doctor hears, "Honda."

After several attempts to figure out what's wrong with this guy the doctor runs out of ideas. He sends him to all sorts of stomach specialists and none of them can figure out why this guy's farts say, "Honda." It is a completely out-of-this-world medical condition.

Finally, as a last resort the doctors think they should send the man to a dentist.

After explaining the problem to the dentist, the dentist opens up the guy's mouth and examines it.

The dentist says "A-ha! I have solved the problem."

The patient says "What is it? What is it? Please tell me doc."

The dentist replies "Well, sir, you have an abscess tooth."

The guy says "Yeah. So what has that got to do with my farts?"

The dentist replies, "Can't you see? Abscess makes the fart go 'Honda'."

It's turtles all the way down!

White Supremacists Prepare for Racial Holy War

'
Everyone knows the story of God creating the world in 6 days, and resting on the 7th....Well on the 8th day, God and the angel Gabriel were looking down on the world, and God says to Gabriel "I am happy with my creating Gabriel, so happy, in fact, that today I will create the best land in the world, and I will call this land Canada. Oh Gabriel, it will be most beautiful. I will give it tall majestic mountains, and wide open prairies....I will give it not 1, not even 2, but 3 oceans....I will cover this land in rich green forests, deep blue lakes, crystal clear rivers and beautiful wild life for them to enjoy....I will let them experience all 4 seasons, and I will populate this land with all different types of people....Nothing but the kindest, gentlest, most caring people in the world....And they shall be known as Canadians....These Canadians will be known around the world for their friendliness, and compassion for others, and will be well respected by all....They will rise up in the face of tyranny, and help crush evil that threatens the world. They will be intellegent, and use this intellegence for the good of the world...." God keeps going on like this for awhile....and by this time Gabriel has become quite worried, so finally he says...."God, I don't mean to question you, but don't you think that you may be giving these Canadians a little to much?".....God looks upon Gabriel and smiles, then says, "Don't worry, Gabriel....Wait till you see the neighbours I am giving them!"

Did she even know if he would come or not?

Guy goes into a bar where there's a robot bartender.The robot says, "What'll you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

The robot brings his drink and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "168."

The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.

The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar.

The robot bartender says, "What'll you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey."

Again, the robot brings the man his drink and says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "100."

The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser, the Saints and LSU Tigers .

The guy leaves, but finds it interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time.

He goes back into the bar. The robot says, "What'll you have?"

The guy says, "Whiskey," and the robot brings him his whiskey. The robot then says, "What's your IQ?"

The guy says, "Uh, 'bout 50.

The robot leans in close and says, "So, you going to vote for Romney?"

I've looked at clouds from both sides now....

The 20 Awesomest GIFs of Cats Being Dicks

Overheard at church, "Thank God we weren't killed in the tornado that destroyed our house!"

Faint praise.

That eggplant is in something of a flaccid state.

Actually, I think it is symbolically accurate -- an empty chair for an empty suit.
Yours,
Issodhos

Actual Craigslist ad:

Yeah. It's been one of those days.

Depends on how you look at it

This is the view from Canada.

'
Yes, Greger, it is true that from Canada (and from much of the rest of the world) the United States appears to be afflicted by an over-abundance (or rather, superfluity) of testosterone. · ·

By the way, notice the two mitts stretching to clutch Canada.

One shudders to think what US intentions are -- considering the state Florida is in !!

?
Florida isn't in a state, Florida is a state!

'

It's a state in a state of ________ [fill in the blank].

Don't worry about Maine.

Everybody knows you caan't git tharr fraum hare.

And if that's true, they can't get anywhere from wherever they are.

NSFW

Thank you.

NSFW

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting. Well, for example, the other day, Liz, my wife and I went into town and visited a shop.

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?'

He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "[censored]".

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.

So Liz called him a "s*** head". He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.

Then he started writing more tickets.

This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.

We always look for cars with ROMNEY stickers on it!!!!

Now that's making good use of an afternoon.

Phil, I do believe that I'm going to borrow this. Needless to say, I'll be making some alterations.

Golem...I have to say. You post some hilarious stuff.

Thanks...we all need a good laugh...as often as possible.

Phil...this is indeed a knee slapper...too frickin funny.

Go, Lem! Go, Lem! Yeah, I appreciate the funnies, too.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

The story of my life...

'
Well, at least you are aware of it, Diamond Lil !!
Most people aren't. · ·

Count your blessings.

'

Thank you for such a classy piece of humor.

You're welcome.

There is obviously no hope for the language of Shakespeare, Milton and Shelley.
Woe ! Woe ! · · · ·

Wud dat b Wo iz I, or Wo is Me?

[size:14pt][b]And here are [i]more[/i] Creation parodies ...[/b][/size]

The "Blog" of "Unnecessary" Quotation Marks

Catholic Bragging

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast size, 24-inch waist and 34-inch hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God!"

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.







When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.







The female doctor says,"I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.







I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'
The old guy obeys and says,



"99"



The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,



'99'



Again, the old guy says,



'99'
The doctor said, “Very good”.



Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.



I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis



to keep it out of the way.



Now take a deep breath and say,






'99'






The old guy begins,






"One...









two…












three…"




You don't stop laughing because you grow old.
You grow old because you stop laughing!

The Mission Hospital has not approved this procedure, and rumor has it they warn all and sundry not to try this at home.

Click on images to enlarge.

If Historical Events had Facebook Statuses - Part 1

If Historical Events had Facebook Statuses - Part 2

If God were on Facebook

I'd love to read these, but the thing is too small for my aging eyes, and it won't enlarge further. Is there some way to post them larger, and then when I key in the enlarger, it won't stop before I can read these.

I presume from being able to read Abe Lincoln's name, that Mary Todd Lincoln still didn't like the play.

How many kittens in that litter, anyway? I kept watching for a while, and there were at least a dozen.

Poor mama!

An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared offices with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. As he approached the receptionist's desk, he noticed that the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked like a Sumo wrestler. He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR
NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man. He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied,'NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS.'
The room erupted in applause

DON'T MESS WITH OLD FOLKS!!

Nach Freiheit strebt das Weib, der Mann nach Sitte.

----with apologies to Wolfgang von Goethe · · ·

NSFW

PI (3.14159265359....) is an infinitely complex arrangement of digits,
each, in the long run, no more likely to turn up than any other digit.
Yet PI can be completely defined by :
PI/4 = 1 - 1/3 + 1/5 - 1/7 + 1/9 - 1/11 + ······
An infinite object expressed by a finite number of symbols.

A small finite number of symbols, but an infinite number of terms.

noomie = pi(babble)

noomie, if you are magically selected to be coronated the Magnificent Fixer, may I apply for the position of Court Jester?

'
Logy, I think you are magnificently suited to be Court Jester -- Nth Class ! · ·

But the point is, you don't need an infinite number of terms !!!

Instead of the dots at the end, you can say, "and so on."

Or you can write, "the sum of the reciprocals of the odd numbers, alternating positive and negative terms, starting with plus one."

Where the questions of logic become really interesting is when you write something like :

"The largest number which can be expressed in eleven words."

[hint: the sentence above has ten words] · ·

NSFW

Evlution?

Black Testicles

A male patient is lying in bed
in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his
mouth and nose,
still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour surgical procedure.
A young student nurse appears to give him a
partial sponge bath.
Nurse,' he mumbles, from behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies
'I don't know,Sir.
I'm only here to wash
your upper body.'
He struggles to ask again,
'Nurse, are my
testicles black?'
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles,
she overcomes her
embarrassment and sheepishly
pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his
penis in one hand and his
testicles in the other,
lifting and moving them
around and around gently.


Then, she takes a close look and says,
'No sir, they aren't and I assure you, there's nothing wrong
with them, Sir !!'
The man pulls off his oxygen mask,
smiles at her and says very slowly,
'Thank you very much. That was
wonderful, but listen
very, very closely.....
' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?'

This is one of the few times I wish I was Canadian.



I would definitely vote for Tuxedo Stan!

Tuxedo Stan Runs for Mayor

That was a good one, Phil.

Listen to this guy laugh. Old, but classic.

Which means they are self-similar. Interesting thought...

'
Good point, Ezekiel !!

"There are two mistakes you can make about people: one is to think that they are all the same, and the other is to think that they are different."

Click the image to go to the link, and then click the image at the link to enlarge.

NSFW - This may be a bit too much for some folks.

NSFW

Perfect!

Now that is truly funny!

Here's some advice from my pal in Virginia

Number 1 Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 2 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 3 Men have two emotions : Hungry and Horny . If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

'

Yes, the way to a man's heart is through his stomach -- and a little bit lower. · ·

I got lost and wandered into the world's creepiest cemetery, where the headstones just had names and star ratings. Freaked me out. When I got home I tried to leave the cemetery a bad review on Yelp, but as my hand hovered over the 'one star' button I felt this distant chill ....

Click image to enlarge.

[b]King Kong Hand and Dress Costume[/b]

Why I Hate Aging! I Mean, It's Really Getting Old!


Those old enough will know what he means!

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the
congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a
rule that whenever the pastor's family expanded; so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation
decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor's expanding
salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the
pastor's additional children were costing the church, and how much more
it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his
chair and spoke,

"Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady
struggled to stand,
and finally said in her frail voice, "Rain is also a gift from God,
but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers."

The entire congregation said, "Amen."

Gotta love those senior citizens!

"Eye of the Sparrow"

Some folks got all the fun!

A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."

After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."

The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me s***."

NSFW for language - You Know What's Bullsh!t? - Vampires!

[b]Walked Into The Bathroom At A Halloween Party To Find This...[/b]

Stolen and posted to Facebook

>What did your dentist say?

The man's wife had been in a coma for over a month, when the doctor treating her finally admitted he had nothing else left to try. "Conventional Medicine just has no idea why some coma patients don't wake up, after a minor concussion like your wife suffered in her accident.", he told the man.
"Is there anything unconventional we can try?", asked the grieving husband.
"Well, some doctors have reported patients waking up during extremely painful or pleasant stimulation. I suppose we could try that, though it would be experimental.", the doctor explained. "How about we start with some very pleasant?"
"What did you have in mind?", the man asked.
"Well, how about oral sex? We'll give you some privacy with your wife, and we'll see if that can arouse her.", the doctor suggested.

The experiment was underway for five minutes when suddenly all of remote monitors started screaming for attention. "Code Blue, respiratory arrest in room 416" went out over the PA system, as a dozen doctors and nurses rushed into her room. When they got there, they found the patient's breathing tube had been removed and the husband was zipping up his pants.
"Gee, doc, I don't think that oral sex idea you had worked very well. She did seem to wake up a bit in the middle of it, but I think that's just because she couldn't breath very well."

>Jesus watches

I read about a man who had a vigorous sex life with his wife, right up until his elderly mother passed away. At the funeral, the minister told him: "Now your mother is in heaven, and she is watching over you always."

He never could perform again after that, because he believed that literally! Every time he became aroused, he would picture his mother watching, and it was flop-city.

Lordy--

I always thought there was something fishy about those uptown dudes.

Montgomery Burns Endorses Romney

That's mighty white of you, Chris.

[size:20pt][b]Holy Panniculus, Batman![/b][/size]



(click the title or the pic)

After Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped in to visit my hearing impaired friend.

He was busy painting his penis with a black marker.

I said to him, "You idiot! You're supposed to turn your CLOCK back!"

How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb?

Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid light bulb?

Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace ALL the wiring that's not up to code.

Dachshund: You know I can't reach the stupid lamp.

Rottweiler: Make Me.

Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark.

Lab: Oh Me, me me, PLEEEEEEEEZE let me change the light bulb. Can I? Can I? Huh? Huh? Huh? Can I, PLEEEEEEEEZE, PLEASE PLEASE?

German Shepard: I'll change it as soon as I've led these people from the dark, check to make sure I haven't missed any, and make one more perimeter patrol to see that no one has tried to take advantage of the situation.

Jack Russell: I'll just pop it in while I am bouncing off the walls.

Cocker Spaniel: Why change it? I can still pee on the carpet in the dark.

Chihuahua: Yo Quiero Taco Bulb.

Pointer: I see it, there it is, there it is, right there--RIGHT THERE

Greyhound: It isn't moving, who cares?

Australian Shepherd: First, I'll put all the light bulbs in a little circle.

Poodle: I'll just blow in the Border Collie's ear, and he'll do it. By the time he finishes rewiring the house, my nails will be dry.

Terrier: Let me bark at it for a while to see if it really needs changing.

Driving in Russia

NSFW

I heard Lincoln was shot on location!

What? Too soon?

ba-bump!

Some A-hole looked at my beer belly in the pub last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Budweiser or Pabst Blue Ribbon?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath. Taste it."

***

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, got a shave, and got your hair cut, you'd look pretty good."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there."

***

I went to the pub last night, had a shot of Ezra Brooks and saw a fat chick dancing on a table.

I said to her, "Nice legs."

The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really think so."

I said "Definitely. Most tables would have collapsed by now."

***

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling their breasts.

"Really?" she said, "Go on then, try."

After about 30 seconds of fondling she began to lose patience.

"Come on! What day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

***

"Jesus loves you."

A nice gesture in church but a terrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

And, loses a week's pay waiting in camping line to get that $50.

· · · · FULL-SIZED IMAGE

The Greatness of Socrates

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumor or spread gossip.

In ancient Greece (469-399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about Diogenes, let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually, I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "If what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?"

The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.


It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was banging his wife.

'
Considering what a harpy Xantippe was, I am sure that Socrates would have realized what a favor Diogenes was doing him.

Therefore, the man was wrong -- the news would have been useful to Socrates.

Meow

Have you ever wondered who first uttered the phrase

"You Gotta Be Shittin Me?"

Well, it just so happens to have originated through the Father of Our country, way back when George Washington was crossing the Delaware river with his troops.

There were 33 (remember this number) in Washington 's boat. It was extremely dark and storming furiously and the water was tossing them about.

Finally, Washington grabbed Corporal Peters (remember this name) and stationed him at the front of the boat with a lantern. He ordered him to keep swinging it, so they could see where theywere heading.

Corporal Peters, through driving rain and cold, continued swinging the lantern back and forth, back and forth.

Then a big gust of wind and a wave hit and threw Corporal Peters and his lantern into the Delaware . Washington and his troops searched for nearly an hour trying to find Corporal Peters, but to no avail. All of them felt terrible, for the Corporal had been one of their favorites.

Sometime later, Washington and his troops landed on the other side, wet and totally exhausted. He rallied the troops and told them that they must go on.

Another hour later, one of his men said, 'General, I see lights ahead.' They trudged toward the lights and came upon a huge house.

What they didn't know was that this was a house of ill repute, hidden in the forest to serve all who came.

General Washington pounded on the door, his men crowding around him.

The door swung open, and much to his surprise stood a beautiful woman...

A huge smile came across her face, to see so many men standing there.

Washington was the first to speak, 'Madam, I am General George Washington and these are my men. We are tired, wet, exhausted, and desperately need warmth and comfort.'

Again, the Madam looked at all the men standing there, and with a broad smile on her face, said, 'Well, General, you have come to the right place.
We can surely give you warmth and comfort. How many men do you have?'

Washington replied, 'Well, Madam, there are 32 of us without Peters .'

And the Madam said, 'You gotta be shittin me.'

As my last ex-wife would then retort, "Would I sh!t my best turd!?"

And they still wonder why the poor fellow drank down the poison as if it were wine!

Mitch McConnell sits on his own balls

You know what they say:
Filibustering yourself will make you blind

I've heard this one too, but the part of Peters was played with Cox in the starring, off stage role.

Disclaimer: Any puns are not mine.

Good one, Phil!

Let's see, grand theft auto or a possible DUI.

Keep the cab, and then make sure you're out on New Year's Eve.

You'll make money hand over fist, driving all those drunks around.

Just enough to pay the lawyer.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered grave news:

"There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind racing. She simply had to know.

She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"

That was good!!

...for grand theft auto.

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center .


Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"SH*T!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center .

Claude was never invited back..

My 18 year old girl told me this yesterday...

If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies,
what kind of bird brings no babies?

Ewuie! Gross!!

> A Christmas Tradition
>
> When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
> toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
> Pre-Christmas pressure.
> Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
> Santa even more.
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
> about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
> Heaven knows where.
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
> toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
> Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
> rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all
> the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally
> dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
> all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
> had eaten al l the straw off the end of the broom.
> Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
> yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
> tree.
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
> stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
> tree.
>
> *Not a lot of people know this.

A guy is walking through Chinatown when he sees the sign "Jon Jonsen's Chinese Restaurant." He thinks: must be a story there

He walks into the restaurant and says to the Chinese man behind the counter "Could I speak to Jon Jonsen?"

The Chinese man says, "I am Jon Jonsen."

"That isn't a very common Chinese name, is it?"

"No, I believe it is not."

"So how'd you get that name?"

"I am an immigrant. When I was immigrating, I was in line behind several Swedes. The lady at the desk asked the first one 'What is your name?' and he answered 'Jon Jonsen.' She filled out his paperwork, sent him on his way, and asked the next one his name. He answered 'Jon Jonsen." She filled out his paperwork, sent him on, and asked the next one 'What is your name?' He says, 'Jon Jonsen.' She fills out his paperwork, and then it's my turn. She asks 'What is your name?' and I answered 'Sam Ting.'"

Exactly my reaction.

An Italian and a Greek were debating which culture was better:

the Greek guy said, we have the Acropolis
the Italian guy said, we have the Colosseum
the Greek guy said we have Alexander the Great
the Italian guy said we have Cesar
the Greek guy said we have have fetta
the Italian guy said we have mozzarella...
the Greek guy said, we invented democracy
the Italian guy said, we invented the senate
After a long discussion, the Greek guy said proudly: "we invented sex"
... and the Italian guy replies, "and we introduced it to women"

That's just plain mean... I wish I'd a thought of it.