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"Three tomatoes are walking down the street. Papa tomato, Mama tomato, Baby tomato... Baby tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa tomato gets really angry and goes back and squishes him and says catch up." - Mia in Pulp Fiction

Bored Husband: Why Mr Murray can no longer go shopping

Proof of what can happen if a wife drags her husband along to go shopping.


Dear Mrs. Murray,

While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the store loyalty Card, the manager of our store is considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband stops his antics.

Below is a list of offenses over the past few months all verified by our surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to tampons section.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, "Code 3" in housewares..... and watched what happened.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and asked to put a bag of M&M's on lay-by.

6. September 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the shoppers he'd invite them in if they'll bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. September 23: When a clerk asks if they can help him, he begins to cry and asks, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera; used it as a mirror, picked his nose, and ate it.

10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department asked the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.

12. December 6: In the auto department, practised his "Madonna look" using different size funnels.

13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browse through, yelled "PICK ME!" "PICK ME!"

14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker he assumes the foetal position and screams "NO! NO! It's those voices again!!!

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, "There is no toilet paper in here!"


Yours sincerely,

Store Manager

Fart SoundBoard

"You're only young once, but you can be immature forever." -- Germaine Greer

Whoa right there, mate! What the hell is this about Cthulu doing in a humour thread? Vile humours indeed, when that book is read!