Capitol Hill Blue Forums Life and Moral Issues American Humor Miscellaneous humor thread

I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age. (I just turned sixty-something.)

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"

He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"

"Oh, no," I replied. "I don't do any drugs, either!"

Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "Not much... my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots of sex?"

"No," I said...

He looked at me and said, "Then, why do you even give a s***?"

'

That short video reminds me of a cat that used to own me. I'd gone to dinner with a date, and this man was so nice he'd brought me a dozen red roses. Prior to leaving my flat, I put the roses into a lovely vase, added water, and put them atop the refrigerator. I surrounded the flowers with boxes of cereal and other things to hide the flowers, all of which would fall down on her head if she tried to get to the long stemmed roses. I thought it a clever way to discourage any kitty foul play.

When we returned from a lovely meal, I invited this nice gentleman up for a cuppa, and so we could continue our conversation. He and I walked into the kitchen, and atop the fridge, found a dozen rose free long stems, with rose blossoms scattered across the kitchen floor. A few had been transformed into kitty hockey pucks. Foul play indeed.

One didn't need to be Sherlock Holmes to determine who was not guilty.

At that moment, there was a sound of a cell phone ringing. He answered, and hadn't thought that I'd overhear both sides of the conversation. On the other end, a woman's voice asked him to bring something nice to drink and pastries for breakfast. I swear she purred like a kitten. Parts of what I overheard cannot be posted on a site monitored by the FCC, if you get my drift.

He'd left the speaker function on. No matter, I have the hearing of a fruit bat.

He left without that cuppa and our conversation was certainly over. And out. He was very, very, very out.

I praised that cat for weeks. She had extraordinary sense of character. His. I knew enough to be grateful for having such a good watch-cat.

Gooooooooooood Kittie!

A man was caught in a flood and climbed onto the roof of his house. "Lord save me!" he cried into the rain.

A man floating by in a canoe back-paddled and offered him a lift to safety. The man replied "No, the Lord will save me."

Later on, with the water rising, a motorboat came by and offered the man a lift. The man replied, "No thank you, the Lord will save me."

When the man was perched on the very ridgepole with water up to his waist, a helicopter hovered overhead and offered to drop a rope and winch him aboard. The man replied, "No thank you, the Lord will save me."

The man drowned soon after. He found himself in front of the unimaginable majesty of God. Prostrating himself, he wailed, "Lord, why did you not save me!"

God looked at him for a second and said, "I sent two boats and a helicopter. What more did you want?"

Kind of how I always felt in gym class

The dog in the back was a frequent flyer in my neighborhood. Unlike normal dogs, he could only go through fences or barriers if he was able to pick the lock on the gate first.

You chased dogs in gym?