Capitol Hill Blue Forums Life and Moral Issues American Humor Miscellaneous humor thread

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Center .


Claude the hypnotist explained: "I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.


"I want each of you to keep your eyes on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. A hundred pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch until, suddenly, the chain broke; it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.


"SH*T!" said the hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the Senior Citizens Center .

Claude was never invited back..

My 18 year old girl told me this yesterday...

If a stork brings white babies and a crow brings black babies,
what kind of bird brings no babies?

Ewuie! Gross!!

> A Christmas Tradition
>
> When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
> toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the
> Pre-Christmas pressure.
> Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
> Santa even more.
> When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
> about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
> Heaven knows where.
> Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
> toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
> Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
> rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all
> the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally
> dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
> all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
> had eaten al l the straw off the end of the broom.
> Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door,
> yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
> tree.
> The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
> lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
> stick it?'
>
> And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
> tree.
>
> *Not a lot of people know this.

A guy is walking through Chinatown when he sees the sign "Jon Jonsen's Chinese Restaurant." He thinks: must be a story there

He walks into the restaurant and says to the Chinese man behind the counter "Could I speak to Jon Jonsen?"

The Chinese man says, "I am Jon Jonsen."

"That isn't a very common Chinese name, is it?"

"No, I believe it is not."

"So how'd you get that name?"

"I am an immigrant. When I was immigrating, I was in line behind several Swedes. The lady at the desk asked the first one 'What is your name?' and he answered 'Jon Jonsen.' She filled out his paperwork, sent him on his way, and asked the next one his name. He answered 'Jon Jonsen." She filled out his paperwork, sent him on, and asked the next one 'What is your name?' He says, 'Jon Jonsen.' She fills out his paperwork, and then it's my turn. She asks 'What is your name?' and I answered 'Sam Ting.'"

Exactly my reaction.

An Italian and a Greek were debating which culture was better:

the Greek guy said, we have the Acropolis
the Italian guy said, we have the Colosseum
the Greek guy said we have Alexander the Great
the Italian guy said we have Cesar
the Greek guy said we have have fetta
the Italian guy said we have mozzarella...
the Greek guy said, we invented democracy
the Italian guy said, we invented the senate
After a long discussion, the Greek guy said proudly: "we invented sex"
... and the Italian guy replies, "and we introduced it to women"