Capitol Hill Blue Forums Life and Moral Issues American Humor Miscellaneous humor thread

An Aussie drover walks into an...
An Aussie drover walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The drover says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?' 'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.' The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the drover reaches into his pocket and pays with the exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man. ‘Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer.

'Excuse me mate,' she asks, 'How do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the drover, 'a few years ago; I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.

Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'

The drover pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big arse and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.'

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Toronto and park themselves on a bar stool.

One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; as you can see, we're joined side by side at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers on draft please."

The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, boys"?

"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.

"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."

"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John.

"Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim? And we can't stand the English - they're so arrogant and rude."

"So why keep going to England ?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."

Nina Conti live at the Apollo - the art of ventriloquism at its best from artFido - fetching art on Vimeo.