Capitol Hill Blue Forums Life and Moral Issues American Humor Miscellaneous humor thread

Staged.

Drop that cross one more time you're out of the parade.

Twas the night before Easter and the Rock wouldn't budge.

Pontius Pilate and his Nail Driving Five playing "Rock Around the Cross"

The do-it-yourself Easter kit: two boards, three nails

I don't care if this IS the Last Supper -- no ID card, no bread and wine!

Jesus was on the cross, and he was really starting to feel the pain, so he cried to his Father, "Lord, if you really love me, you'll remove these nails from my hands." God complied. As Jesus began falling forward, he suddenly remembered and yelled (his arms flapping): "The FEET! THE FEET!"

Anderson Nails

A small factory in the northwest, Anderson Nails, had been experiencing years of success and growth. Feeling that he was ready to try for the big time, the owner, Mr. Anderson, contracted a big Madison Avenue agency to help him promote his product.

Aiming to get the greatest possible exposure, the agency booked a full minute at the beginning of the Super Bowl half time show. Anderson was pretty excited about this, and invited all of his friends and relatives to his home for a big Super Bowl party. At the end of the first half, everybody drew closer to the TV, wanting to see the premiere of the commercial. It began with an aerial shot of the desert, and zoomed in on a small walled city. As the camera slowly panned about the city, it became apparent that this was Jerusalem, during the Roman occupation. A large hill on the horizon came into view, and as the camera drew closer, a number of crosses became visible. The focus settled on a naked man in a crown of thorns, then moved in for an extreme close up of his bleeding hands, and the nails which held them to the cross. The nails were stamped with the Anderson Nails logo. A subtitle appeared on the screen, bearing the words "Anderson Nails -- the Expert's Choice".

Anderson's guests were horrified. The party broke up before the end of the game. The next day, he began to get phone calls from his oldest and most loyal customers, expressing their outrage and cancelling their orders. By the end of the week, his sales were down to nothing. He called the president of the advertising agency to cancel his contract. When Anderson explained the situation, the ad-man was surprised, and offered to create a new campaign and run it at no charge.

The new campaign was slated to start several weeks later, on Easter morning as it turns out. This time, Anderson nervously watched the commercial alone in the privacy of his office. It began the same way as before, with an aerial view of Jerusalem. The camera finally settled on two Roman soldiers drinking wine at a table near the marketplace. Hearing a disturbance nearby, they looked up from their drinks in time to see a naked man, with bleeding hands and feet, being pursued by a group of soldiers. The first soldier looked at his companion, smiled knowingly, and said, "They didn't use Anderson Nails!"

A Maine Story: Missing Wife

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Booth Bay Harbor Maine man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maine State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the troopers.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens asked.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."

The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What could possibly be the good news?"

The trooper continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Maine Lobsters that you have ever seen and 60 good-sized Rockfish clinging to her. Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are entitled to a share in the catch."

Stunned, Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"

The trooper replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."