Capitol Hill Blue Forums Life and Moral Issues American Humor Miscellaneous humor thread

I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.

I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.

Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.

What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.

If I was Snow White you'd never be able to kill me with an apple...you'd have to poison an eclair or something.

What if Snow White just pretended to be asleep so she didn't have to clean up after little people anymore? Because that I totally get.

Tell me I'm beautiful
"You're beautiful"
Tell me I'm a genius
"You're a genius"
Tell m-
"Just give me the toilet paper, please”

I drink a glass of red wine a day for health benefits.
The other 7 glasses are just for me.

I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I'm in Canada.

I always get a "Yes" from women, but it's usually followed by "That's him, officer.”

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn't the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.

"Sure, you could bury it but hear me out."
Taxidermy is invented.

FLOTUS is an unfortunate acronym, like something left in the toilet bowl.

I'm tired and want to sleep, but I can't stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down.

Sorry I reported your newborn's pic on Facebook, but nudity is nudity.

So we're on for next Friday? Perfect. I'll call you Thursday to reschedule.

Do I just call you or should we resolve this quickly with 200 text messages?

"Do not iron" Like that was ever going to happen.

Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.

[doing an identification at the coroner's office]
It's not her; my wife has a head.

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said "Care to make this interesting?”
And I said "Sure. For years I've been secretly in love with you."

I learned two important lessons today. I can't remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.

I just answered two Jeopardy questions in a row. This must be what Einstein must have felt like.

Turns out my date had a lot of pizzazz, not pizzas. I've never been more disappointed.

Didn't know which glass of beer was mine so I drank both. I'm a problem solver.

Just got back from the annual "meting of the bounds" (measuring of the boundaries) at Gray's Inn, one of the legal Inns of Court, in London. The meting of the bounds ceremony is to commemorate the occasion (over 200 years ago) when there was a dispute with an adjoining Inn as to who owned the land on which Gray's Inn had been built. Several of the senior Barristers (known as "Benchers") of Gray's Inn refused to acknowledge the rival Inn's claim and were thrown into an underground dungeon by the Court of Chancery. To prove the case for Gray's Inn (and to effect the release of the Benchers) Serjeant Zachary Fitt, the Mace-bearer of Gray's Inn, took his Mace, which measured exactly 36 inches, and, using it as a yardstick, precisely measured the boundaries of the disputed building. His measurements proved the case for Gray's Inn. He caused a sketch or plan to be made, presented it to the Court of Chancery, and the Benchers were set free.

To commemorate this event, every year since, the ceremony of "meting the bounds" is carried out with great dignity. During the perambulation, Benchers of the Inn sing the Gray's Inn anthem:

"A Gray's Inn Mace, now mete the bounds
And save a sketch for we
Who once were tossed down underground;
Confined, but now set free."

I am writing you a prescription for brainworms. Typically, they spare the host but murder all the guests.

How cool is that?

Will those work even if your farts don't smell to begin with?

What if your dog disagrees?

first thing to get a laugh from me since Tuesday.