Grover Norquist found drowned in Bathtub

So sad! May his spirit continue to trickle down the drain with the remnants of Reaganomics!

TAT

Grover Norquist found drowned in Bathtub

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Washington, D.C., June 8, 2025 -- Americans for Tax Reform head Grover Norquist reportedly drowned in his bathtub Thursday in a freak accident that some witnesses describe as "an unfortunate confluence of mutually destructive events".

Grover Norquist, who despite a striking physical resemblance is reportedly unrelated to the classic Muppet of the same given name, was found alive by a local citizens' order patrol but expired before he could receive proper medical attention.

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"While he was washing off the chicken residue in the tub, we think Norquist got dizzy from some body oil he was using, which turned out to be seriously toxic when it reacted with the arsenic in the water supply. His automatic weapon, which he had with him in the bath, went off and blasted huge holes in the walls, severing several major pipe connections and filling the tub with water and sewage. One pipe also pinned him down in the tub. We think he managed to pull the plug, but his big toe must have got stuck right away. Those things are murder. Any idiot knows you've got to get out and back a couple of feet away before you yank the chain.

"By the time we got there, the whole place was flooded and Norquist was up to his forehead in water and sewage. We saw he was still blowing little bubbles, though, and considering the size of his bankroll figured we might as well try to save his flabby ass.

"He was still alive when we got him down to the truck. We couldn't move for a while because those left-behind fifth-graders in the 14th Street After-School A-TAK Irregulars pinned us down with rocket launchers on a lunch money raid. Then we had to take him to four different HMOs before anyone would accept his insurance card. You know how long it takes to get around now that all the roads are just giant pools of mud? He'd stopped breathing by that time, maybe five hours later. Not that they could have done much at the HMO anyway, since the power was out again. Too bad none of us ever got any training in CPR."

Last edited by TatumAH; 04/30/21 04:46 PM.
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